


Lose Control

by ohshitdestiel



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abduction, Alternate Universe - Police, Alternate Universe - Psychics/Psionics, Anal Sex, Angst, Attempted Murder, Cockles, Cockles AU - Freeform, Cockles Week, Frottage, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Police Officer Jensen, Psychic Misha, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 06:45:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1418782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohshitdestiel/pseuds/ohshitdestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles is 27, white, male, successful. Pretty much everything his parents could wish for. Besides maybe the fact that he is still single which doesn't want to fit into the traditional Texan idea of an apple pie life. Currently he is leading the investigations for a serial murder case, solving it would bring him the last boost for his career. Enter Misha, who not only gets caught in the middle of the investigations but also turns Jensen's world upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for Cockles Week. I hope you guys enjoy it.  
> Au prompt: Misha is a psychic and Jensen is a police officer. Misha has visions of a serial killer that Jensen and his team are trying to catch and he must try to convince Jensen of his abilities before the killer strikes again. Unfortunately the killer learns of Misha’s ‘gift’ and sets his sights on him next.
> 
> Disclaimer: Up until now only the first chapter is beta'd. I will edit the chapters as soon as they get done. Please feel free to point out any flaws :) Furthermore I do highly recommend you not to read this if you are actually working with the police since this fic is probably inaccurate as hell.

„Maybe we should think about letting a psychic have a look at the case.” These words, uttered by Chris Kane in a rush of frustration were really what had started it all. Jensen loved Chris but his ideas and his apparent talent to take the most absurd things and turn them into actual plans were going to kill him one day.

A _psychic_. Jensen had looked at Chris as though he’d lost his mind, had pushed himself out of his chair and had thrown his hands up in surrender.

“We can’t afford to let someone outside of the department in on this case. We’re talking violent murders here, Chris. Do I actually have to tell you that we can't risk any details getting spilled to the public? It's hard enough already without copycats walking around.”

“Alright, you’re the boss Jen. I was a suggestion. But maybe you should consider it. We are…”

“Don’t say we’re stuck with the investigations because we aren’t. We just need a bit more time. I need more time.”

 

The world, however, didn’t seem to like Jensen very much and liked his refusal to let someone else in on the case even less. When he walked into the police department a couple of days later the first thing he saw was Jared’s huge figure crouched into one of the plastic chairs scattered around the entrance hall. Jared was the police psychologist and Jensen’s best friend.

Jensen walked towards him to greet him and ask him what was wrong. He really didn’t look all too good. Jensen had his White Mocha ( if you asked him he would tell you it was normal, black coffee) from the Starbucks around the corner in his hand and his messenger bag slung across his shoulder and was actually feeling full of energy today. He was positive that today was going to be a good day.

That was until he registered the person sitting next to Jared. From what Jensen could see it was a guy with short dark hair. The rest of the view was blocked by Jared’s body and the way he had one arm slung across the other guy’s shoulders. Jensen was positive he was wearing Jared’s jacket, too.

The guy’s whole body was shaking and when Jared looked up and registered Jensen, he patted him on the shoulder. The stranger looked up and Jensen found himself caught in the gaze of the bluest eyes he had ever seen. Okay, that was bullshit and Jensen knew it himself but in those few split seconds in which their eyes locked it definitely felt that way.

His eyes looked red and sore as though he had been crying and his lower lip was trembling ever so slightly. His eyes went wide and he straightened in his seat.

“You’re Jensen, aren’t you? Jensen Ackles?”

“Uh, yes?” Jensen replied, not sure what to make out of this situation. His brain hadn’t caught up yet in any way and Jared wasn’t helping either. He could at least provide Jensen with some information to clarify the situation, couldn’t he?

“My name is Misha C…”

“ _Misha_?” Jensen blurted out and could have bitten off his tongue in the next moment. He should really start to think before he talked but really, what kind of name was _Misha_? Especially for a guy.

Jared cleared his throat and when Jensen looked at his best friend he was met with a cold expression that told Jensen he had really fucked up this time. Jared didn’t have to speak for Jensen to decipher the expression in his eyes as something resembling the meaning of ‘Could you be any more insensitive?’

Misha on the other hand looked slightly annoyed but not hurt. He was probably used to people making stupid comments about his name. Still, Jensen felt guilty now since Misha still looked devastated, no matter how much he tried to regain his posture. Misha was obviously struggling with the effort of straightening his back alone.

Jensen was still wondering what the fuck was going on when Jared fortunately decided to finally get some light into the dark of Jensen’s brain.

“His name is Misha Collins. He might be able to help you guys with your case. He says he saw something.” Jensen’s gaze flickered from Jared to Misha and back. The last murder had been two weeks ago but Misha looked too disturbed right now. He seemed more like he had seen something only half an hour before. There was the slight possibility that the shock had come back after talking about it. Jensen didn’t really believe that, though.

“Then why has he taken so long to tell us? It’s been two weeks.”

“Because…” Jared started but Misha interrupted him. He was obviously fed up with something going on (which was very likely to be Jensen’s behaviour, he had to be honest with himself here).

“I’m psychic. And I didn’t see the murder two weeks ago. I saw the next one.”

Jared shrugged almost apologetically as Jensen’s jaw dropped. He furrowed his eyebrows, shooting Jared a look that said ‘I don’t have time for this shit.’

“So what?” Jensen asked, tone obviously challenging. “You looked into your crystal ball and it told you the future?”

“No, asshat” Misha shot back. The use of the word would have been funny if Misha hadn’t looked so angry.

“More like I walked past the next crime scene and got an epileptic seizure while having a vision.”

Jensen didn’t even answer at first. He didn’t believe in that crap but Misha seemed so honest. Then again, all psychics did, that was part of their job description. They had to convince the people that what they were saying was real or their work didn’t have any point, right?

“Who tells us you’re not lying?”

“Who tells you you’re not a giant dick?”

Jared cleared his throat again and pushed up from his chair. He grabbed Jensen by his arm, turned him around and dragged him along with him for a few meters, away from Misha. “What?” Jensen snapped.

“Why are you being such a jerk?”

“So you’re on his side now?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you, seriously?”

Jensen shrugged his shoulders and slumped them down afterwards. Frankly, he didn’t know. It was probably just the fact that he had just called Chris out for even suggesting getting a psychic involved with this and yet here they were, with one sitting only a couple of feet away from them with a curious expression on his face.

He hated the guy already.

“What’s wrong with you that you apparently just trust him this much? As a psychologist you should be especially critical towards him” Jensen shot back in self defense. He wasn’t going to back down now, even though he knew he was acting like a jerk.

“Actually” Jared pondered with a small smile “There is a psychological, though not yet completely explained condition that makes some people a lot more sensitive to human emotions and thoughts. Given the fact that there are actually some proven cases of psychics being successful consistently there are a lot of psychologists engaging in the theory that these abilities are just an extended form of such a condition.” Jared let go of Jensen’s arm and put his hand on his shoulder, much more gentle this time. “You need to be a bit more open, Jensen. A psychic could help you, I would highly suggest you to at least give him a chance.”

Jensen jaw effectively dropped and he was left just staring at Jared, trying to find words. He had heard that speech not that long ago from someone else and something just clicked in his head.

“Did you really let Chris talk you into this? I mean… _Chris_?” The disbelief was clear in Jensen’s voice and Jared almost doubled over with laughter.

“No, Jensen, I was the one that actually told him he should talk to you about it.”

“I don’t believe it” Jensen said and threw his arms up in surrender. What could he do against the combined forces of his two best friends? Most of the times he enjoyed it but sometimes like right now he thought it was a curse to have them both working with him. He stalked over to Misha again and gave him a short, acknowledging nod.

“Come with us, we’ll ask you some questions and then you can tell us your version of what happened.”

Misha looked at Jensen and it seemed half confused, half challenging. Then he pushed himself up from his chair and handed Jared his jacket back. Jensen took his first proper look at what Misha was actually wearing and if this wasn’t the ugliest sweater he had ever seen he would demand to be called John Travolta for the rest of his life. Or better not. The guy probably had a collection.

Jensen led the way, not really paying attention to whether Misha was following or not. He could feel Jared’s looming presence behind him, though and knew that he was probably being more considerate.

“Is he always like that?” Jensen heard Misha ask and Jared huffed. “

What, such a jerk? No, he’s a teddy bear, really. He just has a problem with talking before thinking.”

“Shut up, Jared” Jensen complained.

 

They brought Misha into one of the interrogation rooms, one with a see-through mirror on one side of the room. The only difference to usually was that there was no-one standing behind the glass trying to figure out every, and any, little detail in Misha’s speaking pattern or movements.

The room was cold and Jensen shivered. He had never liked the sterility of these premises. However, there was no way he could ever avoid them and even he had to admit that while dealing with murderers and their accomplices it had something protective.

Collins was sat at the metal desk right in the middle of the room, his elbows on the surface and his head in his hands. Jared sat across from him while Jensen leaned against the wall, facing Misha.

After Jared persuaded him gently to start to tell his story to them and the little recorder in the middle of the desk Misha started to talk.

The investigation –or rather, the chat- with Misha was ridiculous.

The guy was talking about how he usually didn’t have visions as strong as this one. He told them that up until now he had only been able to predict smaller things, like what would be inside of a wrapped gift at Christmas or the kind of flowers someone would bring to a brunch on Sundays. Jensen just wanted this to be over. He couldn’t understand how Jared was so eager and willing to believe every word that came from Collins’ lips. Didn’t his best friend know that psychics usually were charlatans? Misha had probably read about the case in the newspaper and now wanted to be part of it. And frankly, who could blame him? He could understand the need for it; the famous five minutes of fame.

Jensen himself was shying away from camera flashed and microphones most of the time. He didn’t like the public attention. But, he had spent enough time figuring out how the brains of psychopathic serial killers worked to be pretty skilled at understanding the wishes and motives of other people. He understood why people felt the need to be seen as something special.

That still didn’t change the fact that Misha wouldn’t be a lot of help because he was making shit up. Most of the stuff he said didn’t even make sense. To be honest, Jensen wasn’t really listening, either. He knew Jared would be telling him the content later anyways.

At least up until the point at which Misha’s voice really started to tremble and he made a hitching noise in the back of his throat. Jensen wondered if Misha was making strangled sounds in bed as well. Yep, he was definitely going to win an award for lacking sensitivity today. Maybe he should start to pay attention to what Misha was saying. He didn’t even know where those thoughts were coming from or why he was thinking it in the first place.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Jensen chimed in and Misha looked at him almost unimpressed. He seemed to tilt his head, raise an eyebrow to say “Seriously?” although he wasn’t doing any of it. He was just looking at Jensen. It was unnerving.

“I said I saw him tie up that poor girls hands and then rip off her finger nails.”

Jensen winced and then was flooded with disbelief. They hadn’t included the bit about the fingernails during the press release on purpose, to make it possible to tell right away if someone was just trying to get attention after reading the newspaper articles.

He straightened up and turned around to Jared. The expression on his friend’s face told Jensen that he was thinking the exact same thing. Whether or not Misha was being truthful about being a psychic, he did at least know /something/.

Jensen widened his stance and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "

You do realize you just implemented yourself as the killer, right? Or, at the very least that you know them in some way."

Misha sighed. Then he shook his head. “Of course I know that, Mr Ackles. If this works in any way like the movies suggest it does, you’ll take me in to preventive custody so you can make sure I’m at least not the murderer and at the same time find out if there is any truth to my words.”

Jensen didn’t like Misha’ tone of voice. Not at all. He was just about to say it when Misha’s lips parted into a wide grin that seemed a bit off compared to how devastated he had been just moments ago. Probably that was just his way of coping.

“And then, if we follow the cliché one of you is gonna come by my prison cell and believe me, with the way you look I’ll bend over faster than you could hope for.”

Jensen almost choked on his own breath and he broke into a coughing fit. Jared just raised his eyebrows. Judging by the expression on Misha’s face Jensen was bright red.

“I was joking” Misha stated. He seemed a bit disappointed. Jensen almost felt sorry for him but why on earth would Misha think anyone would laugh about something like that? Well, if his fashion sense and the jokes he told were picked with the same amount of ‘care’ Jensen knew the answer.

“Alright” Jared chimed in. He seemed to sense how uncomfortable Jensen was right now. Only all of his self control prevented Jensen from squirming. “I’m not the police man here, Misha, but you’re right about the custody. Jensen will read you your rights later…”

“Hell I’m gonna do” Jensen interrupted. “I will send Chris to take care of it, I have a case to lead.”

“I know, it’s fine”

Jensen’s head spun around so quickly that he thought he might have overstrained a muscle. It had not been Jared who had spoken. It had been Misha. Jensen didn’t like that at all. He had let the fact that Collins apparently knew his name slip at first. Now it was starting to get creepy.

“So, you saw me in your vision as well or something?”

“No, Mr Padalecki here told me. And your face and name has been all over the news the last couple of weeks.”

Jensen took a deep breath and placed his palms on the desk in the middle of the room. His head was hanging low between his shoulders and he could feel Jared’s eyes on him. Goddammit, he was done with embarrassing himself today.

Jared walked over, patted Jensen on the back and sighed.

“Okay, Jensen, get a proper breakfast and go to work. I’ll deal with this here. Just send Chris down to me.”

“Thank you”

“No need to thank me. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you today but before you actually get outright insulting I will try to do some damage control.”

Jensen couldn’t even get himself to be angry enough at Jared to make a snarky comment in return. He just made a vague gesture at Misha, turned around and left. After the door had closed behind Jensen he finally felt able to breathe freely again and not like the world was determined to shove something down his throat that he didn’t want to have to deal with. Ever.

 

Jensen almost knocked Danneel over on his way out.

The gorgeous redhead took one look at Jensen and opened her arms to pull him into a hug. She didn’t ask what was wrong, she just offered comfort. He slumped against her and took a deep breath. God, he loved her. She was his tower of strength no matter what happened. In fact, they had been in a relationship for over four years until they had figured it didn’t work out between the two of them. Jensen had always felt like something was missing, something he couldn’t explain, and Danneel hadn’t wanted to keep Jensen in this situation. They had ended it in good will and now they were the best friends.

Jensen pulled away again and Danneel planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Alright, I don’t have time now because there are some trainees who need to be taught the different structures of popular drugs. But if you want to talk about it call me later.”

He just nodded and then watched Danneel walk away into the direction of the drug department. Just seeing her already gave him some of his strength back. It still couldn’t take away his utter confusion, though.

Jensen had no clue why he was reacting that heavily to Misha. He should know better. Even if he really didn’t like people like him, he liked to think of him as a better person than the one he had been while talking with him.

 

Later that day Jensen found himself at a table in the coffee shop a couple of blogs over, Jared and Chris sitting across of him with bright grins on their faces. Jensen felt the urge to plant the muffin in front of him into one of their faces. He wasn’t even really angry he just wanted to wipe these smug expressions away.

Misha had agreed to the custody. Really, he hadn’t really had another choice but he could have made this a lot harder for them, too. The only thing he had requested was to go home first to pick up a couple of exams he had to correct since apparently he didn’t work as a psychic. He worked as a teacher. This fact had directly made him a lot more sympathetic to Jensen.

Chris sipped at his milkshake and ran a hand through his hair.

“So” He stated “I think Misha might actually be a good lead. He seems honest and I like him.”

“I will praise him when it turns out he actually knows something. Just make sure Mike and Jeff are there on time.” Jensen replied.

“They are actually already in the region, checking out possible escape routes.”

“Good. Perfect.” Jensen smiled at Chris and then shrugged. “I am sorry I cut you off that rudely a couple of days back when we were talking about the psychic.”

“It’s fine.” Chris replied. “I know you’re an asshole sometimes, I’ve learned to deal with it.”

Jensen pulled a face but didn’t say anything. He probably deserved it.

“You should probably apologize to Misha directly, though.” 

"Yeah, I will. I will be here for the night, anyways. I still have hell of a lot of paper work to fill out and offered to make sure he’s fine. I feel sorry for the guy, our cells aren’t the most comfortable, even if you only compare them to other department cells.”

It was true. The police probably had better things to do with their money than spend it on prison cells that were mostly only inhabited by possible murderers. Jensen already planned on bending the rules a bit. He didn’t talk about this, though. Nobody had to know.


	2. Chapter 2

The evening found Jensen bent over his paper work in his office with Misha on the other side of his desk. Misha himself had a red pen in his hand and a stag of exams on his lap.

After everyone else had left he had opened the door to the cell and had let him out under the condition that Misha would still be handcuffed to the chair. Jensen wasn’t stupid enough to risk being killed by a psychopathic serial killer.

Misha didn’t seem like the type and in the couple of minutes they had made an attempt at awkward small talk Jensen had warmed up to him a bit. Jensen still didn’t like him, though. There had to be something wrong with this guy. There just had to. This was too easy. Life wasn’t easy. Not in Jensen’s experience.

“So uhm…” Misha said and startled Jensen out of his focus. He put his pen aside and pushed his glasses up his nose. Jensen liked to pretend he didn’t need them most of the time and it was true. With all the small letters on the forms he usually got a headache in less than ten minutes without his glasses, though.

“Are we going to say nothing at all for the rest of the night or do you actually plan to take advantage of the fact you got me out of my cell?”

Jensen almost choked on his own breath. Of course he would understand this wrong. Of course his mind would go straight to the gutter. He had a fucking problem. At least he was alone with Misha right now and Misha didn’t seem to mind. Hell, he didn’t even care about what came out of his mouth. Jensen wouldn’t have been able to get this over his lips. He would have repeated the words in his head over and over again before he was sure there was no way they could be taken in the wrong way.

Jensen dipped his head and swallowed. “That was a case of really bad wording.”

“Only if you want it to take it that way, Mr Ackles.”

Jensen clenched his teeth as he felt his cheeks heating up. “Look, I don’t really like you but Mr Ackles is my father. Please, call me Jensen.”

Misha’s lips parted into a smile, not overly happy, though. If Jensen would be asked to describe the nature of this smile he would have said it looked thankful. The expression felt a bit strange to Jensen but what the hell did he know about the man’s emotional life?

“Only if you call me Misha. Deal?”

“Yeah, deal.”

Misha circled something in with his pen and made a clicking noise with his tongue before writing a few words to the margin.

“So” Jensen began. “Just out of curiosity…what subject are you teaching?”

Misha looked up from the paper with a smug grin on his face. Jensen swallowed and wondered what he had gotten himself into now. “Sexual education.”

Jensen dropped his pen.

“Really?” Was everything he got out.

“No” Misha shook his head and chuckled. Jensen could see the small strands of hair on his forehead sway from one side to the other.

“I am teaching social science in High School. But your reaction was worth the lie.”

Jensen didn’t even know how to react to that. His head was spinning with the effort to find a reply that didn’t make him seem like he was fidgeting like a school girl. Misha took the need to act from him.

“I think you need to relax, Jensen. I don’t know how your boyfriend manages to get you to shed off your insecurities but think about that. It will help you.”

“What? No. Oh God, no. I’m single…I mean…I-I-I’m not…I’m not gay.” He spluttered.

Misha looked at him. Or rather: stared. It was impossible to read the expression on his face. Then he turned away. “Sorry, my bad.” Was everything he said before returning to his exams.

“It’s…no, it’s fine.” Jensen replied, following Misha’s example and focusing on the paper work.

His skin felt hot all over and too tight. He felt exposed and everything he wanted to do was jump up. Run and hide. Misha had taken one look at him and had uncovered his darkest secret just like that. When he was being honest with himself Jensen had come to terms with his own bisexual tendencies a while ago. He had known for forever that there was something wrong with him. He had spent most of his life hiding his bisexuality. If you could even call it that since deep down under the carefully adjusted layers of forced masculinity and homophobia the only thing he craved at this point were strong arms and hard, defined muscles. Not that he was ever going to admit this out loud. This was Texas and Jensen wasn’t stupid.

Adding up to this was the fact that he was never ever going to plan transferring his fantasies into reality. He had too many people around him he would inevitably disappoint and lose. It hadn’t needed everyone in his surroundings acting like anything else than being straight was a sin for Jensen to know it.

There was only one person who knew. Only one person whom Jensen trusted enough to keep any and every secret he told her. And the only reason she knew was because Jensen had owed her that much. Hell, the reason his relationship with Danneel had ended was literally that he had been frustrated almost 24/7 just because sex with her had stopped to actually excite him.

Jensen didn’t bother to pick up the pen he had dropped. He just took another one from the mug on his desk. His fingers tightened around the plastic and he could hear the distinct ‘crack’ of the material. “Get your shit together, Ackles” He muttered to himself before bringing the ballpoint to the paper with shaky hands.

“Sorry, what was that?” Misha asked, looking up once again. “Nothing” Jensen hurried to say. This was going to be a long night.

The silence was interrupted by the shrill sound of the telephone cutting through the air. Jensen took a deep breath and it fucking hurt. His tense muscles were protesting and his back screamed at him. Figuratively. He had been ready to flee every second since he had stopped talking to Misha. His teeth were pressing against each other, his jaw felt tight. He ran a hand over his mouth and moved his jaw from one side to the other to ease the pull in his facial muscles. Then he reached for the phone and answered the call.

“Dallas Police Department, homicide squat. This is Jensen Ackles, what can I do for you?”

“Jensen? It’s Mike. I am calling to tell her we got her. The girl the psychic talked about. Ambulance is on their way.”

“Jesus Christ” Jensen pressed out and gave Misha a wide-eyed look. He flinched at his own curse. Being raised in a Christian household he usually scolded over people using religious expressions as swear words but right now his nerves were blank and he couldn’t filter.

“She will get through it, she isn’t hurt too much. Not physically anyways.” Mike said. His voice sounded strained and Jensen couldn’t judge him for it. He would probably freak out if he were in his place.

“That’s good news.” Jensen ran a hand through his hair and nodded unconsciously. His mind was blank.

“The bad news are that we didn’t catch the killer” Mike continued. “But Jeff managed to snatch a picture. It was pretty dark but I saw him as well and we are sure together we could get a phantom picture.”

“That’s only half bad news, then.” Jensen replied. He had been tired but now adrenaline was rushing through his veins. “Alright, make sure the girl is alright, we will talk about the details when you are at the station. Right now I have to let an innocent man out of his cell."

Misha smiled when Jensen looked at him, and nodded. The police officer hung up, pushed himself up from his chair and stretched his arms over his head. His muscles protested once again.

Then he walked over to Misha, pulling the keys out of his back pocket on his way.

When Jensen leaned over Misha to get closer to his wrist, the other man sucked in a deep breath. “Jensen?”

“Yes?”

“I am sorry about what I said earlier. It is just that I usually have a very good perception when it comes to things like this. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“No offence taken” Jensen mumbled in response.

“No, I mean it. I have lived here for quite a while but I still sometimes forget this is Texas.”

“Oh. So, where are you from originally?”

“Boston.”

“Yeah, that explains it.” Jensen tried his best to keep his voice neutral and judging from the lack of reaction on Misha’s part he apparently succeeded.

The key clattered as he put it into the lock of the cuff on Misha’s wrists. Jensen’s other hand was closed gently around Misha’s forearm, fingers resting against the metal to keep it in place. He turned the key and snapped the cuff open, letting go of Misha completely in the exact same moment. The goose bumps on Jensen’s neck sure as hell weren’t caused by that little bit of skin-contact he told himself.

Misha rubbed the sore skin of his wrist. Jensen could only stare at his hands. He shuffled his feet and looked at his toes before sucking his lower lips between his teeth.

“You know, I need to apologize as well” He said and was pretty sure that the tone of his voice gave away how hard this admission actually was for him. “I was being a jerk to you because I didn’t believe in what you were saying. But you have to admit, there are a lot of people who pretend to be psychics just to get attention.”

Misha shook his head in something like disbelief. Jensen wasn’t all too sure what the expression on his face meant.

“This was probably the worst apology ever but fine, accepted.”

There was a ‘Thank you’ on the tip of Jensen’s tongue but he felt strange even trying to say it. Admitting mistakes was still an issue. He couldn’t just go around apologizing, not with all the consequences he had used to face for even the smallest thing done wrong.

Jensen closed his eyes against the memories of his father’s clear and strict ideas of morals and values. It wasn’t necessarily something he wanted to ever return to. Not that it really was a choice. He would never be strong enough to actually cut the ties.

Jensen could still recall being in Middle School, wanting nothing more than to join the cheerleading team and his father telling him that if he did he would be kicked out of the house.

He remembered the summer days back in High School when his parents would give one of their infamous barbecue parties in the backyard. He remembered his father telling everyone who wanted to hear about how proud he was of his son being becoming a regular player for his school’s football team. He remembered ducking his head and hiding the pained grimace on his own face.

He remembered graduation and how his father had forced him to the hairdresser two days beforehand because there was no way his son was ‘going to look like a girl on his graduation photographs’.

“Are you alright?” Misha’s voice startled Jensen out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“I…just…you looked pretty out of it.”

“No, I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

Misha tilted his head and said nothing. It was frustrating. Jensen knew Misha was thinking something but he couldn’t tell what. He felt like he was reaching for something he couldn’t hold. It was frustrating.

“So, uhm” Jensen began awkwardly. He raised one hand in a vague gesture and then let it fall down again unsure of what he had actually intended to do. “You’re free to go home now, I guess. So if you want to leave…”

“No, I want to stay. I want to help. In fact if there is any way to arrange it I would really want to help you on the case on a regular basis.” Jensen was puzzled. He wasn’t sure what he had expected but certainly not this.

“You can’t” He responded automatically. Maybe a bit too fast but hell, who cared?

“Why not?” “Because we can’t just let a stranger into our investigations. We are hunting a murderer, the information is confidential.” Jensen had widened his stance and crossed his warms in front of his body. “Besides that, we can’t put you into harm’s way like that” He added as an afterthought.

“I don’t care about being in harm’s way” Misha insisted. “I want to help. Look, I helped saving this woman’s life. I can’t turn away now and act like it didn’t happen. What if there are more deaths to come? I can’t sit around and just let them happen. I can’t” Jensen let out a sigh.

“Look, man. There are restrictions that I couldn’t even break if I wanted to. And frankly I don’t.” Jensen had neither the strength nor the motivation to deal with this right now. He just wanted Misha gone. Misha made him feel uncomfortable in ways Jensen would rather avoid. His mere presence had triggered a fallback into his teenage years that he could have done without very well. He didn’t even knew the guy, why did he have such a strong effect on him?

“Okay, Misha…can we talk about this tomorrow? I am tired and I need to sleep. I will give you my phone number and I promise I will talk with my colleagues about this, alright? And I have to ask my superior for permission as well. As I said even if I wanted to this is not a decision I can make on my own.”

“Alright” Misha shrugged, hanging his head low. Then he reached into his pocket and got out his phone. He held it towards Jensen with a sharp nod. “Just type it in” Jensen grabbed the phone, saved his own cell number and name and gave it back. He had the bad feeling that this was going to leave to problems.

 

The next day Jensen was in the cafeteria talking to Chris and Katie who were both usually in charge of the investigations when Jensen wasn’t working. They were definitely the people who beside Jensen had the most to say about any matters in this case. Not only because their positions demanded it but also because Jensen trusted them. Well, he trusted Katie. He trusted Chris as well but only to some extent. When working with Chris you just had to remind yourself constantly that he was a great man but sometimes packed full with crazy ideas. Although his idea with the psychic didn’t seem all that crazy now. Not anymore.

“So why do you think it is a bad idea to let him help again?” Katie asked with a slightly tilted head. She picked a French fry from her plate and took a bite. “These could really do with some salt but what am I expecting.”

“Because it would hinder the case” Jensen explained. It was the only thing he could say, really. He knew that from an objective point of view having someone with legit psychic abilities on their team would be a great help and might even get them further. “And with the material Mike and Jeff collected yesterday and the victim’s report we will probably have enough to determine who the murderer is anyways.”

He said these things because he couldn’t say ‘I don’t want him on the team because he confuses me’. He couldn’t say ‘I dreamt about his eyes tonight’. And he most definitely couldn’t even get close to admitting that the reason he hated Misha that much might be the simple fact that he was a man.

“Then sorry, Jensen, but I don’t see your point at all” Chris continued, clearly to help Katie out on this one. “If you are so convinced we will solve this case soon then let him in. Let him have the feeling that he achieved something. Clearly he wants to help. After what you told me he seems like a genuinely good guy.”

“Exactly” Katie chimed in. “You could make his life a bit better with almost no effort. Let him feel like he made a change. And if your predictions are wrong and we do take longer there is an actual chance his abilities might come in handy.”

“I just think it would lead to a lot of problems sooner or later.”

“What kind of problems?”

“I don’t know, I just have this feeling.” Jensen was really running out of arguments. He hadn’t really had any to begin with.

“You are making excuses because you don’t want him around.” Chris stated. “I have got no clue why but you need to stop. He has proven that he is a real psychic and you should at least give him a try. Objectively speaking he will most likely be an addition to the team.”

They went back and forth like this for half an hour until even Jensen realized he was basically saying the same thing every single time. He gave in with a sigh and a vague gesture.

“Alright, I will give it a try. But there are two conditions. First: The moment he causes trouble he is out. Second: Chris, you’ll deal with the paper work.”

 

After this conversation there wasn’t a lot else to do than wait.

This was how 2 days later Jensen found himself in his office with his cell phone pressed to his ear and the signed attendance permission for Misha in his other hand. At one point he had gotten up and had started to walk around in his office. Jensen was starting to wonder if Misha was even at home. The dialing tone was nerve-racking. Then there was a click and the beeping stopped abruptly. It was silent for a few more seconds. Jensen furrowed his brows.

“Hello?” Misha sounded sleepy and his voice was rough as though he had been using it a lot.

“Uhm, it’s Jensen…Ackles.”

“Oh yes, Jensen, right.” Jensen heard a shuffling noise and something that sounded like blankets being pulled from a body. Was Misha still in bed? There was another voice at Misha’s end of the line. It was a little hoarse, British and definitely male.

“ _Who is this, Mish?_ ” Jensen almost choked on his coffee.

Misha seemed to only half-heartedly cover up the speaker because Jensen could still here his answer.

“It’s just someone who I worked with recently. Can you give me a minute, I will come right back to you.”

“ _Alright, sweetheart._ ” Jensen’s face was furiously red and he was just thankful for being on the phone with Misha right now and not talking to him face to face. This situation was really awkward.

“Sorry ‘bout that” Misha reclaimed Jensen’s attention. His voice still sounded husky around the edges. Now in possession of new information his brain didn’t wait long to provide Jensen with the fact that it probably was caused by Misha screaming. He didn’t need that thought. Not now. Not ever.

“Hello again.” He huffed, trying to sound casual. “I am calling you to tell you I have talked to my colleagues and we decided to give you a chance so…uhm, welcome to the team, I guess.” Jensen rushed out the words because he didn’t exactly like them and they felt awkward on his tongue. He hated the sound of them just as much as he hated the content.

“Really? Oh, that is great.” He could hear the genuine happiness in Misha’s voice. “I honestly didn’t think you would actually call.”

Jensen just grunted in response.

“So, how does this work?” Misha demanded to know.

“If possible you should be here today or tomorrow at the latest. There is a lot of paperwork you have to fill out for us to be allowed to even talk with you about anything case related.”

“Oh, okay.” For some reason Jensen imagined Misha looking out of the window of his kitchen or his living room. “I can come there this afternoon. I have already taken a one-week leave from work because I didn’t feel like going after the vision. I will figure something out that I can work half-time for the time I am involved with your team.”

Misha’s deep voice resonated in Jensen’s chest. Of course he knew it was an illusion since it was impossible over the phone. However, there was a curious tingle in his stomach, traveling downwards. God, what was wrong with him? He didn’t even know the guy, not really, and as far as he was aware he already had a partner anyways.

He really didn’t want to be a douche about the whole situation because he had realized that he was the one causing the actual problem, not Misha. What came out of his mouth was the opposite of not being jerk though. “Misha, I honestly don’t care what you are doing. It wasn’t my decision to have you on the team so you can go and talk to my colleagues about your life but I don’t wanna hear it.”

There was silence at the other end of the line and Jensen held his breath. Maybe, he hoped, he had snubbed Misha enough for him to change his decision of working with him.

“Huh?” was the next thing Misha said and it startled Jensen. He had no clue what kind of reaction this was, at least not until he heard that British voice again. “ _Come on, Mish, what can be so important? You said you’re free of work today. Let’s just have breakfast together, hm?_ ”

“Yes, yes okay, Seb. Just give me one more minute… uhm, Jensen? I can be at the station at around 4 pm of that’s alright? I’m…otherwise occupied right now.”

“Yeah, I can tell” Jensen replied weakly. “So, see you later?” 

“Yes, see you later.”

And with that the line was dead.


	3. Chapter 3

When Misha finally arrived at the police station Jensen was standing in front of the back wall of the main investigation room. There were pictures and maps and bits of information pinned to it. Only a couple of hours ago they had added a new image to the mix. It was a sketch of a man with dark hair and a beard that covered half of his face. The facial composite had been created with the help of Jeff Morgan and Mike Rosenbaum.

The picture was already plastered all over the news and they had sent out Samantha and Katie to make sure every store in the surroundings was provided with at least one copy. The general atmosphere was good. Not directly relaxed but not tensed either. The general sense of accomplishment and progress was humming in the air.

Jensen felt good, good enough in fact to greet Misha with a smile on his face.

“Misha? Over here!” He called out and waved the older man to him. Jensen still couldn’t keep eye-contact without blushing, not after having been an unwillingly witness of Misha’s apparent nightly activities. There was a faint trace of red on Misha’s cheeks as well so at least Jensen didn’t feel too bad about his own embarrassment.

Misha seemed seriously angry although he tried to hide it. Once they shook hands his expression smoothed out, though. The corners of his mouth rose up in something that could have been compassion, maybe even pity. Jensen didn’t want to know what Misha was seeing right now.

“So, this is how it works” Jensen began, turning away from Misha and back to the wall. “This is all the information we have so far” He made a wide gesture, including the huge unsolved puzzle that was the bits and pieces in front of them. “This guy” He pointed at the composite sketch. “Is the murderer for all we know. Our colleagues who saved the woman you saw in your vision got a glimpse of him and Jeff actually snatched a picture. So we hope to find out who he is soon.”

Misha studied the board and nodded once and again. Sometimes it seemed like his eyes were focused on a special spot and Jensen knew he was reading the information, ranging from little notes to personal data sheets.

“That looks like a lot” Misha said finally.

“Well” Jensen shrugged. “We have been on this case for 6 weeks now. I was investigating the second murder when the third occurred and we finally realized the pattern. You just helped us save the fourth victim.”

“Wow” Was all Misha said. Then he averted his eyes. “This is a lot of death.” He added eventually. His voice sounded like it was about to crack and Jensen didn’t know why but he felt the need to comfort him. So he put a hand on Misha’s shoulder and squeezed gently.

“You already saved one life, Misha. This is a lot.” Misha huffed and nodded. He looked at Jensen and then without even blinking he laid his hand on top of Jensen’s. Jensen tensed. Misha’s gaze was so intense, Jensen felt like he was staring right into his soul.

“Do you ever get tired of not being able to express what you really want to say?” Misha asked out of the blue and left Jensen gaping. He didn’t even know how to react because the truthful answer would be a ‘yes’ screamed on the top of his lungs. Okay, Jensen was aware that Misha was a psychic but this was actually terrifying.

“Can you…uhm” He had to clear his throat before continuing. “Can you please not do that?”

“Sorry, what exactly?”

“The thing where you touch me and apparently just know what I am thinking. It’s freaking me out.”

“Sorry” Misha said, letting go of Jensen’s hand. Jensen retrieved his as well. “I can’t control it. Sometimes it just happens.”

“Then just try not to touch me, how does that sound?”

“Well, at least I can try.”

 

In the end working with Misha was in no way like Jensen had imagined it. He didn’t like to admit it but despite his visions not coming when asked for them Misha had become a big help in the three weeks since their first meeting. He had a special talent in figuring out what people wanted to say before they had even finished half of the sentence. Especially for Jensen who had problems articulating his thoughts it was great support. This way he didn’t have to worry about how to make his point understandable anymore.

He would never admit this, though.

Jensen wasn’t sure if that skill of Misha’s was connected to his psychic abilities or just a character related thing. Maybe he didn’t even want to find out. He already knew that the mental connection by touch was definitely a psychic thing. However, it had some kind of soothing effect on Jensen to be able to believe that Misha didn’t need supernatural powers to figure him out. That Jensen’s emotional life wasn’t actually that confusing and that it wasn’t fucking up his communication with others on a regular basis.

One look of these incredibly blue eyes into his and Jensen felt as though he was actually, finally understood. It filled his chest with warmth that he didn’t want to examine too closely. He couldn’t afford to be distracted by this guy, especially but not only because he was, well, a man.

There were too many instances in which Jensen had to remind himself that even one glance that lasted a little too long could be his downfall here. He knew too well that his direct superior was a homophobic asshole and Texas was a rough world for people like Jensen. Why was he even thinking that? He could be normal, he just had to try.

All of this hardly mattered, anyways. They had a case to solve and Jensen sure as hell wasn’t going to fall for a guy with a terrifyingly strange sense of humor and a fashion sense that could be non-existent just as well.

Right now they were all sitting in the cafeteria, tables and chairs pushed around to create a pattern in which they could all at least somehow look at each other.

Jensen and Jared shared a table. Both had pushed their chairs far enough away that their long legs weren’t squashed under the table. Jared was holding his overly sugared caramel cappuccino that on top of all had a big portion of cream on it. Jensen had made a comment about it that would have probably thrown anyone of guard who wasn’t as comfortable and secure in his sexuality as Jared was. Jensen had earned a textbook bitch face for it and had felt guilty right the next second.

Wasn’t he pathetic, covering up his own insecurities under a layer of possible homophobia just because he had a fucking problem. Jensen knew it himself and still couldn’t stop it. To make matters worse he had even taken a double check at the counter, making sure no-one was watching while he had stirred 5 spoons of sugar into his black coffee.

There was laughter erupting on one of the tables a bit further away and Jensen and Jared both looked up to see Kim and Chris with thrown back heads. Misha, who was sitting with them at the table, was sporting a content grin. Misha looked up and caught Jensen’s gaze which positively caused his heart to skip a beat. Fuck, what was wrong with him? He was a grown-ass man not 13 years old and too shy to ask his crush out for a date. And why was he thinking in dating-analogy in the first place?

“Uhm, Jensen?” That was definitely Jared’s voice.

“Sorry, you were saying?”

“Well, you were the one who told me about dinner with your parents. I was just asking which day it’s gonna be.”

Oh yes, right. Between thinking about work and losing focus because of Misha he had actually managed to forget what was looming over him like a threatening storm cloud. Even if the unawareness had only lasted a couple of seconds he missed it now that it was gone.

“It’s…it’s next Sunday and I really don’t want to go, Jay. I love them but they are driving me insane every time I am over at their place. At least they can’t complain about my job like they do with my brother. They just need to get over their issues and realize that ‘cook’ is not a feminine occupation.”

Jared shook his head. “As much as I agree with you here, Jensen, I think you need to get over yourself as well and I don’t mean when it comes to your parents.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Jensen’s mind was blank and he was wondering if maybe he would know the answer to his own question if he had paid attention. Then again Jared sometimes said stuff like that that was impossible for Jensen to decipher.

Jared looked at Jensen as though he was stupid.

“You don’t just act this way, sometimes you really are this thick, aren’t you?”

“Jared, I have got no clue what you are talking about.”

“Then make up your mind. You will find out soon enough.”

“God, I hate you sometimes” Jensen let his head fall down into his hands and made an exasperated sound.

“No you don’t” Jared replied with a shit-eating grin. Jensen wanted to punch him. Well, not really. Maybe a little.

 

Sunday came even quicker than Jensen had feared. So quick in fact that he wasn’t even aware he was supposed to go to dinner with his parents this evening until his mother called at around 2 in the afternoon to make sure he was really coming.

“Of course I am, mom…no, no…I didn’t forget it. How could I?...Yes, I love you, too… See you tonight.”

A sick feeling settled in his stomach after he hung up. He was in no way prepared for the questions that were bound to come. He couldn’t talk about his personal life, not now, not like this. Not while he was unsure himself what he wanted and what his future was going to look like. And he certainly wasn’t prepared for yet another set of questions about why he had broken up with Danneel.

He was tired of lying to his parents, tired of being forced to do so. He knew there was no other way, though.

Jensen brought the phone back to the power station and then went to the kitchen where he got his already prepared lunch just to dump the content into the trash. He didn’t feel like eating anymore.

He turned to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer. There was no way he was going to survive the hours before the dinner sober. He opened the bottle and didn’t even bother to throw away the lid. It was just resting on the counter, forgotten the moment Jensen turned away. The first sip of beer was liberating, bitter liquid filling his mouth and running down his throat after he swallowed. Jensen closed his eyes and leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen.

He felt dirty for every single time he had ever thought about a man while touching himself and he knew that it was caused by the forthcoming family dinner.He kept his fantasies and secrets close to his heart because it was easy to say they didn’t matter when he was ignoring them. When he was with his parents he always felt like he always had to be aware of his faults because he always had to hide them.

He took another drink from his beer and wandered over to the couch on his living room.

 

When he arrived at his parents’ house slightly outside of the city he was nicely dressed up in a suit and had already drunken 3 or 4 bottles of beer. He hadn’t counted. At least the buzz stopped him from worrying too much.

Tonight both of his siblings, Josh and Mackenzie, had been able to make it which was a rare occasion. Usually at least one of them was missing due to work or other obligations that came along with having a social life.

Alan and Donna were delighted. Of course they were.

They all chatted along, exchanging facts about their work while Jensen’s mind drifted away. He couldn’t tell that much out of confidential reasons but he just didn’t want to talk that much as well. When he thought about his work he was starting to more and more think about something else, anyways. Blue eyes, an untamable mess of hair and free, unsuppressed laughter. He just couldn’t help himself.

When they were all seated neatly around the dinner table in their suits and the two women in fancy dresses, and concentrated on their mother’s best steak, Mackenzie totally took the cake of good news this evening by telling everyone with a bright grin that she was engaged to her long-term boyfriend now.

Jensen, like everyone else was delighted. Of course. How could he not be happy for his little sister? He looked at the engagement ring and hugged her until she clapped his back to make him let her go because he was pressing the air out of her lungs. They looked into each other’s eyes and laughed.

“Congratulations, Kenzie. Well, I guess now you’re definitely not my baby-sister anymore, are you?”

“I’m 24, Jen, I would hope so.”

They sat down again and the atmosphere calmed down a bit although the overall contentment kept humming in the air. His father looked so proud. Jensen, however, felt like he needed to be ready to flee any second. His father had turned to Josh now and they were talking agitatedly about Josh’s first-born son and how he and his wife were planning on a second child. He already knew it was going to come, he knew it. His mother already turned to him in a break Alan and Josh made during their conversation. Jensen closed his eyes for a second and prayed for patience and sober-mindedness.

“So, how about you, Jensen? Since both of your siblings are happy in serious long-term relationships shouldn’t it be time for you to get committed as well?”

Jensen gulped down the bite of steak that had suddenly lost all its taste. “I…uhm.” He began, poking his food with his fork nervously. “To be honest, mom, I don’t think it is the right time for me to go out and search for someone…uhm, compatible. I am hunting a dangerous murderer, there is no real time for dating and finding someone new.”

“Maybe you’re right, darling” Donna admitted. Then she shook her head. She looked disappointed and Jensen knew what was coming now. He took a deep breath to brace himself.

“I still don’t understand why you ended your relationship with Danneel, though. She was such a lovely young lady.”

Alan nodded. “Beautiful, smart. She would have been worthy to wear our family name.”

Jensen bowed his head and suddenly he felt like he was 14 again trying to hide his boner in the changing room after mandatory swim-practice. He was 14 again and the priest of their local church preached about salvation from the sins of the flesh. He wanted to say that he didn’t want a partner based on the fact whether they were worthy of the family name or not. He wanted to say that if he would find someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with he wouldn’t measure them at his parents’ values. If he loved someone he would love them regardless of his parents’ approval.

Jensen didn’t say any of these things. He kept quiet, swallowed and shrugged. He could feel all eyes on him. He didn’t have to look up to know that Mackenzie’s glance was compassionate and Josh’s irritated. He had seen the expression too many times before to not know them by heart already.

“It didn’t work out” He said plainly. “Now, can we please drop it? If I find someone new I will tell you, alright? I promise. So don’t worry. I just want to concentrate on my job right now. I am saving people.”

Then he took a deep breath. He knew that what he was about to say was risky. On a bad day his father might read it as some form of disobedience or disrespect. But hell, he was 27 and it wasn’t like he was going to say something insulting. “Besides, with Josh married and Mackenzie engaged you don’t really have to worry about heirs, right?”

“Children are not the problem” Alan insisted. “You aren’t around us that much anymore and I know it is because you have a lot of work to do but…you are 27, attractive and successful. You should at least think about starting a family. People start to talk, you know?”

“Talk about what?” Jensen shot back although he already knew the answer. “About the fact that you might be…” Alan stopped. Jensen looked his father in the face now and it was obvious that he struggled with the word alone. This was all fucking fucked up and Jensen was sick of it.

“What, Dad?” Jensen pushed back his chair and stood up with so much force that the chair fell over and hit the ground with a loud ‘clonk’. “You don’t give a shit about what your own son wants as long as no-one might suggest he’s a faggot?”

“Honey…” This was his mother’s voice but Jensen just didn’t care. He was so angry he could hear his blood rushing through his veins.

“No, mom. Not this time. You all act like you want the best for me but you only shove and push me around. I don’t want this. I don’t want to feel threatened by absurd accusations in the place I once called my home. I don’t want to be constantly reminded that the only reason I moved out so early was you pressuring me into things I never wanted to do. I…”

“JENSEN ROSS ACKLES!” His father shouted and brought his fist down onto the dinner table. The dishes clattered and in the corner of his eyes Jensen could see Josh catching one of the glasses that had tumbled over the edge. Water spilled out of it and over the floor.

Jensen blinked a few times, fast and frantic. He felt like he had just been woken up from a trance. His eyes went wide as the full realization of what he had just said hit him. His father’s face was red and he looked furious.

“I forbid you to ever talk like this under my roof again. I forbid this disrespectful behaviour, especially against your own mother. Now sit down and shut up.”

Jensen stood there shivering. His lips were trembling and he felt like he was actually about to cry. But he wasn’t going to burst into tears in front of his family. He hadn’t meant to say all of these things. It had just bubbled out of him. He had been angry and strained and he hadn’t thought. He had his armour and his walls built up around him and now he had let all of his guards down. Now they knew, didn’t they? Or they would at least suspect it.

His mother looked like she was going to cry as well. Jensen just turned around and practically ran out of the room and towards the living room from where he knew he could get out into the backyard.

He yanked the door to the small balcony open and stepped outside. Cold air hit him and he took a deep breath. It hurt his lung and man did it feel good. It calmed him down enough to actually think about what had just happened. He sniffled and sank down on the stairs that lead into the garden. He leaned against the brick wall and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He had royally fucked up. He just wanted to run away and go back home.

Jensen heard the balcony door open and close behind him but he didn’t react.

“I just want to be alone” He said. Whoever it was who had come to talk to him didn’t listen. There were light footsteps behind him and then someone sat down next to him, Jensen had his eyes closed but the soft warmth radiating from the body and the way long hair tickled against the skin of his neck told him it was Mackenzie.

“Are you alright, Jen?” She asked, gentle as always. Then her hands were on his shoulders, soothing touches against his cold skin.

“No…” He admitted weakly.

“It’s okay”

Jensen turned towards her. He opened his eyes and searched in her face for the answer to the question he was about to ask. “What is okay?”

Mackenzie smiled one of her compassionate smiles that never failed to make Jensen feel a bit better. He was thankful to have a little sister like her. “Everything” She responded. “How did you get here?”

“I took the taxi, why?”

“I’ll drive you home. I didn’t drink any alcohol tonight anyways. You look like you could use some rest. Josh is talking to dad right now but I guess mom and dad will need some time to calm down.”

Jensen just nodded. He was powerless and young right now. It definitely felt like Mackenzie was his older rather than his younger sister in this moment.

She helped him up and back into the house. His lips were blue by now and his fingers felt numb. He didn’t care. Mackenzie got his jacket and his scarf while Jensen just lingered in the doorway. He could hear her arguing with their father but it wasn’t even half as heated as his fight with him earlier.

When she came back she was ready to go. Jensen slipped into his jacket and followed here gratefully.

 

The ride home was silent. Neither of them said a word and Jensen was thankful for it. He just looked out of the window and gnawed on his lower lip. He played the conversation over and over in his head. He couldn’t grasp the moment it had taken a 180° turn and it drove him crazy. He was convinced it had been his fault. He had destroyed the maybe not peaceful but still quiet atmosphere that had lain over the scene. He should have kept his mouth shut and let his parents rant about him. He could have been the good son they expected him to be.

He bit down hard on his lip until he tasted blood. He was not going to cry, not in front of his sister. When Mackenzie parked the car in front of Jensen’s apartment building it was the first time Jensen realized any time had passed since getting into the passenger seat.

“Okay, here we are. You think you can make it upstairs on your own?”

“Yes…yes, thank you a lot, Kenzie.”

“Just be safe, alright?”

“Yeah.”


	4. Chapter 4

The next day was horrible. Jensen woke up with a sore throat, an aching head and a metallic taste in his mouth. He didn’t even really remember getting into bed. He probably had just been in some kind of trance in which he had done things on autopilot. This theory started to make even more sense when Jensen pulled back the sheets from his body and discovered he was still wearing his suit. Great.

At least his shoes were scattered on the floor.

Jensen fought himself out of his bed with a groan and directly started to get out of his clothes. Once he was standing in the middle of his bedroom in nothing but his underwear he took a look at his clock.

His heart almost missed two beats. He had overslept by more than an hour. This meant there wasn’t even time for a shower or a coffee this morning. He also would have to take the bus because his head felt like it was going to explode any second.

He hurried through getting dressed again and brushing his teeth. Even the quick glance into the mirror told him that he looked like a train wreck today. He couldn’t care.

He just threw on his jacket and his scarf again that he found rumpled on the floor next to the apartment door and then went to grab an apple and a bottle of water from the fridge.

He was already texting Chris that he was going to be late before he had shut the apartment door behind him. The answer came back only a minute later.

_Move your ass here, Ackles, we’ve got good news._

Despite his situation Jensen smiled. Maybe this day wasn’t to going to be too bad after all.

When he arrived at the police station he was greeted by Chris who was sporting a wide grin. The expression faded though, the moment he took one proper look at Jensen.

“Hell, Jensen, you look like someone ran you over with a truck.”

Jensen shrugged. “Just my dad.” He mumbled.

Chris knew about his complicated relationship to his father. He even knew the reasons. After all, Chris was beside Jared Jensen’s best friend. Jensen still insisted on the fact that his parents were just being paranoid, though. They usually just nodded and gave him a clap of the back in response. This time Chris brought his hand up to Jensen’s shoulder and just squeezed gently.

“You look like hell, man. But come on. I’ve got something for you that will cheer you up. We had a call coming in an hour ago. Someone identified the composite sketch we handed out. We have a name to the face.”

“Really?” It was as though every burden resting on Jensen was being lifted in the exact same moment.

“Really” Chris said with a smile and a nod. Jensen’s lips parted into a wide grin and then he laughed. His head was still pounding and he still felt like he was about to die any second but there was relief flooding through him.

He followed Chris into the main investigation room where they were all filled in by Chris about the new arise information. The man they were searching was called Brad Buckner, 34 years old and unmarried. There were real pictures of him added to the wall now. Pictures of him with and without beard. Mike and Jeff had both already confirmed that this was the guy they had seen. There was a nationwide overall search running to get as much information on him as possible, residence, occupation, everything he had been up to since the day of his birth. It had taken forever for someone to actually recognize the guy and Jensen and his team had already given up hope on ever finding a useful lead this way. Now everyone was twice as eager to get something out of the newly won information.

Jensen saw Kim shed a few tears. It was only understandable, they had all been under enormous pressure and stress and Kim was an emotional person. She also was one of the most badass people Jensen had ever met. But that was a story for another day.

 

After the meeting Jensen got up and walked to the front of the room.

“Alright, guys. Good job, everyone. This calls for a celebration so I hereby announce that you get tomorrow morning free and everyone who can will meet up at 8 at Frankie’s Sports Bar. Just make sure you can come into work at 12 pm tomorrow.”

Jensen’s colleagues all applauded and cheered. Chris, just being his normal self, shouted out “Partyyyy”. “

Keep it in your pants, Kane.” Kim commented and everyone laughed. Jensen laughed with them, then walked towards the door and clapped Chris on the back on his way out. He left the room with a wave to the others.

He leaned against the wall in the hallway and took a deep breath before pulling out his phone. He checked the time and then started to dial Misha’s number. He knew Misha had break at school right now because Misha had sent him his schedule.

Right now Misha was working part-time at the school and came to the department every day after he was done with teaching kids. Jensen had no idea how he managed it and he had a lot of respect for him because of it. The phone rang three times before Misha picked up. “Hey Jensen” He sounded a bit short breathed.

“Is everything alright, why are you calling that early? Did…did something happen? I had a strange feeling all morning.”

Jensen smiled. He didn’t know why but his lips parted and he couldn’t help it. He blamed it on his general good mood right now. “No…well, yes, but it’s something good. We finally got a lead on the killer. We have a name and are running background research right now. Anyways, we will be celebrating a bit tonight and I wanted to invite you. You helped us a lot, you made this progress possible in the first place. Just if you want of course…”

“Yes, yes. I do want to come” Misha replied and Jensen could hear the excitement and happiness in his voice. It pulled a string in his heart and the internal sound it produced was beautiful and endearing.

“Perfect” Jensen grinned. “8 pm at Frankie’s Sports Bar. They have pool tables.”

“Okay, I will be there…but, uhm…Jensen?” Misha sounded rather insecure which was something Jensen wasn’t used to. It caused another warm shiver to run down his spine. “I have got no clue what to wear. Most of the times I choose my clothes for shits and giggles or at least I used to and now it has just become an overall thing.”

“Oh, that explains…” Jensen started but cut himself off.

“Explains what?”

Jensen cleared his throat. “Nothing”

Misha chuckled. “No need to hide, I know that you think I never put effort into my choice of clothes already.” J

ensen was just glad they were on the phone because by how hot his face felt he would predict he was as red as a tomato. “Did you just use your voodoo on me through the phone? Because I swear if you do that one more time…it’s really creepy.”

“No” Jensen could hear Misha’s amused smile through the phone. “I heard you mention it to Jared the other day.”

Jensen blushed and laughed awkwardly. “Oh”

Misha laughed freely.

“Okay, okay.” Jensen said. “I will be there at 6:30, help you out with your little…uhm, problem and then we can take the taxi to the bar together, does this sound like a plan?”

“Like an amazing plan” Misha agreed.

“Okay, just send me your address, I’ll be there.”

“I will, see you.”

“Yes, see you” Jensen ended the call in the same moment Jared walked passed.

The younger man took one look at Jensen’s flushed cheeks and grinned. “Misha?” Jared asked and startled Jensen with his precise assumption.

“How did you…?” Jared just shook his head, gave Jensen an almost pitiful look and patted his shoulder.

“Oh Jensen” He just said, walked away again and left Jensen wondering and confused.

 

Jensen arrived at Misha’s house 10 minutes before the set time and he just waited the couple of minutes in the car. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he had spent over an hour picking his clothes and getting ready. Now he was dressed in light grey pants that weren’t directly skinny jeans but pretty close and a wine red button down. His hair was spiky in the front and he might or might not have spent half an hour alone on forcing them into the form he had wanted.

Jensen looked at his watch, realized it was time to meet Misha and checked his appearance once again in the rearview mirror before he got out of the car. Yes, he definitely looked presentable.

His steps were bouncing a bit as he walked up to Misha’s porch. He was looking forward to tonight.

He was feeling good, a bit nervous maybe but nothing he couldn’t deal with. It wasn’t even that he was nervous about seeing Misha at a place that wasn’t work, not really. It was more about seeing someone’s private home for the first time which for some reason always set him off a bit. Probably it was this way because he himself felt really itchy and anxious about letting people in on something as personal as his apartment.

When Misha opened the door, though, the insecurities started creeping up at the back of Jensen’s mind, making him feel a little light-headed. Misha was wearing a slowly but surely fading out ACDC t-shirt and worn out dark jeans with holes at the knees. His feet were bare. Jensen felt intimidated by the amount of self-confident lying in his outward appearance alone and he hadn’t even really looked him in the face yet.

“Huh” Misha huffed out. “Nice to see you, too, Jensen.”

Jensen was startled out of his thoughts heavily by that and he blushed slightly as he looked up and into Misha’s face. Partly because he was embarrassed and partly because Misha had the worst (or the best, depending on the perspective) case of bed hair today. There was a faint smirk on Misha’s face.

“Now, come in. I remember you promising me to help me with picking something to wear.”

Jensen shook his head. “You sound like a girl” He stated.

“So?” Misha raised an eyebrow. “There is nothing wrong with being a girl.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right”

Jensen kept lingering awkwardly in the doorway until Misha just grabbed his hand and pulled him in. It was as though something shifted between them in this moment. The casual body contact was more than they had actively allowed between the two of them. Or rather more than Jensen had allowed. That Misha just generally was a very open, affectionate and all about body contact was no secret.

This time Jensen didn’t mind, though. Hell, in fact he welcomed it. He was light-headed and still riding on his euphoria and Misha seemed to be the same way.

It was okay, Jensen reminded himself. It was okay for him to be here and enjoy this moment. It was okay for him to forget for a moment that he still tried to hate Misha. And it was okay to just this once give in to the memories of all the times their hands had brushed each other’s bodies on various occasions during the last couple of weeks.

“So, do you want a coffee or something else to drink?” Misha asked casually.

“With milk would be nice” Jensen replied without thinking.

Misha raised an eyebrow and the grinned wide. “I knew it was just pretence.”

“I am sorry, but what?”

“Your ‘I only drink my coffee black’ attitude.” Jensen swallowed and just shrugged. What could he say? He had just blabbed himself.

“I don’t understand you sometimes, Jensen.”

“Believe me, you don’t want to.”

Jensen followed Misha into the kitchen were Misha directly started to tinker with the coffee machine. Then he got out two cups.

Jensen just watched Misha moving around in his kitchen, going through his drawers without a plan. It was adorable, actually, how he himself didn’t even know which things were in which drawer.

He seemed… nervous. Yes, that was definitely the word Jensen would use if someone would ask him to describe it.

“Hey, relax. I’m not gonna bite and neither is anyone of my colleagues.” Jensen subconsciously took a step forward. He didn’t realize it until Misha turned around to face him and Jensen was met with a close-up of these incredible, blue eyes.

The way they widened in surprise was endearing.

They were close, so incredibly close that Jensen could feel Misha’s breath ghost over his lips. He even imagined hearing Misha’s heartbeat.

And then just like that they were kissing.

Misha’s hands were in Jensen’s hair and Jensen’s laid flat on Misha’s chest.

The kiss was soft, gentle caress of lips against lips. It was so easy to let go, here in the private safety of Misha’s home where no-one was watching and no-one was judging. It was so easy to let everything slip, his safety blanket and with it all the pretend to be something he wasn’t.

Misha let his hands travel down to Jensen’s shoulder blades and then wrapped his arms completely around him. He held Jensen tight, his embrace felt like armour against the world.

Jensen sighed and melted into Misha’s arms.

It felt so good it hurt. Jensen felt like his chest was being split open. All the suppressed feelings were finally surfacing and flooding his heart, his entire being. Even his feet were tingling with the sensation and the hairs at the back of his neck were standing up.

He couldn’t remember the last time something had felt this good. He couldn’t even recall kissing Danneel to having felt that good.

He had no clue where this was coming from he just knew it was there now. How had he been able to push this away for so long? How could he have been so stupid just because he was afraid? The way his lips moved against Misha’s felt liberating and Jensen let out a sob at the way his emotions overran him.

Misha pulled away and Jensen opened his eyes to look at him. He seemed concerned.

“Are you okay?” Misha asked.

Jensen stayed silent for a few moments, just scanning Misha’s expression and trying to make sense of his words. Then he dipped his head and laughed nervously. No. He /giggled/. “Yeah, I’m fine. God…I just have never done this before.”

“Kiss someone you don’t like?”

“No…kissing another man. I /do/ like you.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Jensen pushed against Misha again without giving it a second thought. Their lips met again, hungrier this time, demanding and passionate. Misha’s beard stubbles burned against Jensen’s skin but it was a good kind of pain. His whole skin prickled with the sensation.

Jensen just wanted to drown himself in this situation. He pushed the doubts and little whispers away to the back of his mind with all the force he had. He deepened the kiss and pushed Misha up against the next piece of furniture at hand which happened to be the counter. Jensen nibbled at Misha’s lower lip and licked his way into the other man’s mouth.

Without really noticing it Jensen had fisted his hands on Misha’s back, his fingers clawed into the fabric of his shirt and he pulled him back. Jensen followed the movement, chasing Misha’s lips at the same time as he pulled them away.

Jensen stepped in closer, intending to press their bodies together again. In the exact same moment Misha finally lost his balance, his feet slipped and he staggered backwards. Of course the counter was in the way and hindered him from really falling but his elbows connected with the countertop with a ‘thud’ that sounded painful even to Jensen’s ears.

Misha groaned in pain. Jensen stepped back again.

Just like that the moment was gone.

Jensen pretty much stumbled back, face flushed and eyes wide. He stuttered out something that even he didn’t know what it was supposed to mean. “I…I’m so sorry” Jensen mumbled. “I didn’t mean to…”

Misha just looked defeated. Then he gave Jensen a smile that seemed a bit strained at the edges. “Jensen, it’s okay. Pictures or it didn’t happen, right?”

Jensen sucked in his breath. “Right” He replied thankfully. “And besides… your boyfriend wouldn’t be too happy about finding out about this either, right?” He scratched the back of his neck. The memory of their first phone call was stuck to his head since the moment their kiss had ended.

“What boyfriend?” Misha’s brows were furrowed and he tilted his head in confusion. Jensen felt just as confused as Misha looked right now.

“Uhm…the guy you were with when we talked over the phone the first time!? Seb…astian, I guess?”

“Sebastian? Oh…oh God, no. He’s not my boyfriend. You’re right, we are involved but it’s more of a…I think the correct term is fuck-buddies.”

Jensen was too shocked to really react. He didn’t want to but he had to think of all the things his father would say now. About Misha, about the people Jensen surrounded himself with. At the same time it made Jensen inexplicably happy to know Misha was unattached. He couldn’t afford to indulge in this sentiment, though.

The silence stretched awkwardly long until Jensen clapped his hands together.

“Alright then. I think we have a closet to get to?”

Misha made a funny face.

“What?” Jensen asked.

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me.”

“Just…I guess there’s a joke somewhere in there.”

Jensen didn’t know how to reply to that.

Fortunately he didn’t have to because Misha just turned away and finally got around to making their coffees. Jensen just stood there waiting until Misha handed him his cup and they left the kitchen to head over to Misha’s bedroom.

It was huge in comparison to Jensen’s. A king sized bed dominated the room. The wall the bed’s headrest was painted in light beige. Jensen saw a collage that looked a lot like a compilation of pictures from college times right above the headrest. “We will miss you” was written in silver letters across it.

“My friends all stayed in Boston. At least most of them.” Misha explained with a shrug.

“Then why did you leave? I mean, no offense, but you could have at least chosen a state that doesn’t discriminate you for your… you know.” He couldn’t say it out loud. Doing so would equal him acknowledging that what had just happened between them might be more than just an accident. Misha slumped his shoulders and shook his head.

“Yes, I know what you mean. And I might have gotten the best job offer here so I moved. Social science isn’t even taught at all schools at least not in the way I wanted to teach it so I couldn’t really be picky, could I?” Misha’s shrug seemed a bit too casual but he turned away towards his wardrobe and took a sip from his coffee.

Maybe Jensen sometimes had problems to tell what people were actually trying to say but Misha’s body language was so obvious even he couldn’t possibly misunderstand it.

He covered his lack of appropriate reaction with focusing on his own coffee.

Misha opened the closet and then stepped aside. “So, uhm… I guess it’s better if you just take a look, Jensen. My brother bought me a few of these button downs for my last birthday.” He gestured to a couple of shirts neatly put away on hangers.

Jensen nodded. “Alright, let’s see what I can do.”

He stepped past Misha and reached into the closet with one hand, the other still holding his cup of coffee. At least Misha’s brother knew what was up when it came to clothing. Jensen went through a few button downs that looked great but would definitely be too formal for the occasion. When he found something that might suit him, he waved Misha to him. Jensen pulled the light grey button down off of the hanging rail and held it against Misha’s chest.

“Looks good but I guess some colour would do you more justice.” He said with furrowed eyebrows.

Misha sighed but didn’t say anything. Jensen put the hanger back onto the rail and took another drink from his coffee before he continued his hunt for a fitting piece of clothing. He had almost given up hope and would just go with Misha being slightly overdressed when he came across the perfect shirt. Or at least perfect in his own opinion. The shirt was dark blue, almost tending to purple and had a faint black plaid texture on it.

“This is great” He stated and handed it over to Misha. “Put this on with some dark pair of jeans and you’ll be fine.”

“You know quite a lot about this, huh?”

“Well” Jensen shrugged casually. “I just don’t wanna look like I crawled out of a garbage can… not that I mean you look like that…I mean…dammit.”

“Jensen, it’s fine. I know what you mean.”

“Al...Alright. Let’s get you dressed and then we can leave, okay?”

Misha grinned devilishly. “I am perfectly capable of dressing myself but if you so desperately want to lend me a hand, sure.”

“Shut up”

Jensen really had to watch his tongue around Misha, which was easier said than done since Misha seemed to make Jensen less worried about the words that spilled over his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

They arrived a bit too late and were welcomed by Danneel who directly pressed shots into their hands.

Misha looked around, then leaned to Jensen and brought his lips close to his ear. Jensen shivered. “Who is that? I have never seen her around at the station.”

“Oh…yeah, that’s because she’s not working with us. She is part of the drug squat, but I invited here ‘cause she’s one of my best friends and…also my ex-girlfriend.”

“And that’s working out?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re fine. We ended it on the same page.”

“Okay, you two lovebirds” Danneel chimed in. “Stop flirting and get over here.”

Jensen blushed furiously. “No…no, Danni, we’re not…we’re not…”

“What he’s trying to say is there is nothing going on between us” Misha jumped to Jensen’s rescue.“We’re just friends.”

“Okay” Danneel said. “Just friends then. Still, come here. Now.”

 

Jensen got shit wasted this night. He hadn’t planned for this to happen. He never did. After all he had to go back to work together and he could do without a hangover.

It didn’t take them all too long to go from ‘everyone is paying for a round’ to tequila shots and Jensen started to lose more and more of his control. He even got Misha to share some kind of pink, frilly cocktail with him that he didn’t even know the name of.

Someone, Jensen was pretty sure it was Chris, clapped him on the back. When he turned towards him he could see that yes, it was indeed Chris.

“Jensen here is incredibly good at pool once he is drunk. I don’t know how he manages that but he is even better than when he is sober.”

Jensen groaned. He knew what was about to come. It was the same every goddamn time.

“So” Chris continued. “I am going to pay the next three rounds for whoever manages to beat Jensen in a game of pool.”

“Chris…” Jensen groaned and buried his face in his hands. “When has this ever not ended in frustration?”

“Oh come on, Jenny. You just need a new contestant to go up against you. How about you, Misha?”

Misha looked up from where he was stirring the rest of the cocktail with his straw. Then he raised his hands in defense. “Oh no, no, this is a bad idea. I don’t even know how to play this game.”

“Jensen can teach you” Jared suggested.

“No” Jensen replied coldly.

“Oh come on.” This was Danneel and weren’t his friends a group of evil traitors?

 

And so Jensen ended up lined up behind Misha while trying to explain him how to hold the cue.

“You have to make sure the tip of the cue hits the ball in the middle or you won’t have enough control over the way the ball is going to take” He explained, his hands were closed over Misha’s around the cue. “Now, focus on the ball. If you hit it correctly it should roll into the same direction as the cue is pointing.”

“Alright” Misha said.

Jensen let go of Misha’s hand but kept standing behind him. He watched Misha pull his arm back and the moment he brought it forward again, Jensen leaned in and blew hot air over Misha’s ear shell. Misha didn’t even hit the ball.

“You asshole” He muttered.

Jensen just chuckled. “Okay, try again. I promise I won’t distract you this time. And here, try to position your body like this” Jensen reached for Misha’s hips and turned him a few inches. The movement pressed Misha’s ass against Jensen’s crotch and Misha pushed back automatically. Jensen gasped without making a sound.

Jensen was too focused on fighting his boner to be a jerk this time and Misha hit the ball perfectly.

“I thought you said you can’t play pool?” “Well” Misha replied with a shit-eating grin.

“I lied.”

Jensen could see Misha’s laughter lines and the crow feet around his eyes. He wanted to run his finger tips over them. Instead he blushed, dipped his head, laughed nervously. When he looked up again, Misha’s face was close. Jensen couldn’t help it, he grinned back. Then he reached up, pressed his palm to Misha’s cheek and pushed his face away before he did something stupid like kiss him in front of everyone.

His colleagues didn’t comment on it but if Jensen had been sober he would have realized the way they exchanged looks amongst each other. They all suspected something. After all, Jensen had never been as subtle as he thought or wished he was.

Jensen and Misha returned to their seats and gladly joined the next round of shots.

 

For Jensen himself the whole evening was a big blur after one point which was mainly caused by the fact that he had continued trying to drink Misha under the table without remembering that the older man had at least 15 pounds more muscles than Jensen. Before he really knew himself what he was doing he was draped across Misha’s lap, forehead slumped against the crook of Misha’s neck. All it did was feeling good. It felt right. And Misha let him. Life wasn’t just that easy but in this moment Jensen definitely felt like it was. Misha wrapped his arms around Jensen, pressing him close to his chest.

“Are you alright?” Misha’s voice was deep and husky and slurred around the edges. It was the most beautiful thing Jensen had ever heard.

Misha smelt like after-shave, peppermint and sugared alcohol and Jensen couldn’t restrain himself. He tilted his head lightly and placed a soft kiss on the sensitive skin of Misha’ neck. Misha made a surprised gasping sound his jaw line. The bear stubbles tickled Jensen’s lips and the sensation rippled through him like a lightning bolt. His cock gave an interested twitch and started to fill.

“Alright, that’s enough” Misha said firmly and carefully pushed Jensen away from him. Their crotches rubbed together and Jensen made a content humming sound as he discovered that Misha was just as hard in his pants.

Before Jensen realized it had happened he was back on his feet again, held firmly in place by Misha’s strong arms.

“Okay” Misha said to everyone. “I am taking Jensen home to my place. I don’t want him to be alone right now. I will make sure he doesn’t choke if he needs to puke.”

Jensen wanted to say that he wasn’t going to puke but it came out as more of a grunt. Misha’s point was proven.

Danneel nodded but then stood up and reached for Misha’s bicep. “I know you two are friends but if you take advantage of his situation I /will/ kill you.”

“I wouldn’t” Misha replied sincerely. Jensen wasn’t even sure if he completely caught the meaning of Danneel’s words.

 

Jensen wasn’t entirely sure when or how he had gotten into the taxi but on the ride to Misha’s house he sobered up a bit.

He was still slumped against Misha, his head resting comfortably against the older man’s shoulder. However, this time his brain told him that just grabbing Misha and starting to make out with him in front of a complete stranger was a very bad idea.

“’M sorry” Jensen mumbled and Misha just let his hand travel up and down Jensen’s forearm.

“Sorry for what?”

“For embarrassing you in front of my colleagues.”

Misha made a sound that sounded a bit like ‘Huh’ but Jensen wasn’t sure. He could have said something proper, too.

Silence accompanied them for the rest of the ride.

 

They stumbled through the door to Misha’s house together, Misha because he was supporting Jensen’s weight rather than because he was drunk. Jensen groaned. It was a good thing he had sobered up a bit on the way. At least he didn’t feel throwing up anymore. On the other hand it made him frighteningly aware of all the things he wanted to do to Misha right now, and his ability to just do them all.

Misha coughed awkwardly which made Jensen assume he must have been staring.

“Sorry” Jensen mumbled. Misha just tightened his grip around Jensen.

“Okay, big boy. I’ll get you into bed now. I don’t trust you not to fall off the couch as drunk as you are.”

“I’m not that drunk”

“That’s what they all say, honey.”

Jensen looked at Misha with furrowed brows. It took him a long time to understand it had been meant as a joke. Okay maybe he was a little bit drunk.

There was still no denying that even if he still felt strange being called ‘Honey’ by another man, Jensen did feel flattered. Just it hadn’t been meant seriously this didn’t change the fact that it made Jensen’s skin tingle all over. Here in the safety of his alcohol clouded mind and hidden by the walls of Misha’s home Jensen allowed himself to like this. To want this.

Misha still had his arm slung around Jensen, his hand resting lightly on Jensen’s waist. “Do you think you can get out of your shoes on your own?”

“Yeah”

Jensen was wearing sneakers anyways so he stepped onto the heels, slipped out of the shoes and kicked them off. He needed to support his weight on Misha’s shoulders though and once he was done with the task he swayed on his feet and slumped against Misha who just opened his arms to give Jensen space against his chest.

Jensen didn’t care. He didn’t care about the consequences he just knew he needed to press his lips to Misha’s so he did. Misha tasted like sugar and cinnamon and honey. Jensen loved it.

At first Misha tensed up and Jensen feared he would push him away. But then he relaxed, it almost felt like he was giving up, giving in. Jensen neither had time nor patience to think about this now, though. He just reached for Misha, pulled him closer and licked his way into the other’s mouth. Misha went compliant and followed every single one of Jensen’s movements.

After a while breathing became an issue and Jensen’s lips burned from Misha’s three day stubble. He pulled away, licked over his lips to feel the damage and then smiled. He probably looked like a moron right now.

“God, Misha. I wanted to do this for so long” He confessed. He hadn’t even known himself before he had spoken it out aloud. Or maybe he had known but he hadn’t accepted it.

Misha looked at him dumbstruck. Then he grabbed Jensen, spun him around and pressed him into the wall. Their lips weren’t even an inch apart.

“Are you sure?” Misha asked sincerely. His breaths ghosted over Jensen’s and he shivered in anticipation. There were goose bumps all over his skin.

“Yes, yes I am. Misha, please…” What did he have to lose? No-one would ever find out this had happened and even if…his parents hated him anyways and he had the feeling that his friends wouldn’t mind too much. Jared and Chris were both very open-minded. Not that Jensen thought about this in detail right now. He was way too drunk for that. The thoughts just fleetingly passed his mind.

And if he was going to rebel against everything his parents had ever taught him he would at least do it correctly. Or something like that.

Jensen leaned forward, closing the distance between them again. This time he didn’t bring their mouths together but pressed his already abused lips against Misha’s stubble-covered jaw.

Misha let his head fall back and gave Jensen easy access to the tender skin of his neck. Jensen followed the invitation. Misha’s hands roamed over Jensen’s body while Jensen was licking, suckling and biting. Jensen could feel the fabric of his shirt shift and then Misha’s fingers pressed into his hip, thumb digging into the hollow right above his hipbone. It wasn’t the most pleasant sensation but it felt possessive and God almighty did Jensen love it. He made a high-pitched needy noise in the back of his throat that he hadn’t even been aware he was able to produce.

Misha growled and practically slammed Jensen into the wall. Then he was close. So close a piece of paper wouldn’t have fitted between their bodies. Fuck, Misha’s body was everywhere. Jensen’s skin burned with the sensation, the heat of Misha warming him even through the layers of clothes.

Something hard bumped against Jensen’s thigh and he let out a surprised sounding ‘ah’ when he realized it was Misha’s cock. This was happening, it was really happening and Jensen wasn’t opposed to it in any way. Not anymore.

“Bed?” Jensen wasn’t sure if it had been him who had asked this but Misha’s answer ruled any other possibility out.

“Yeah”

 

When they fell down onto the mattress Jensen had no idea how they had gotten there but they had shed half of their clothes already. Misha was only wearing his boxers anymore and Jensen only had his open button down on top of that.

Jensen rolled on top of Misha and caught his face between his palms.

“You are beautiful” He whispered before leaning in for another desperate kiss. He kissed Misha like the world was going to end and maybe it was. It definitely felt like it. It felt like the world was going to slip out of his reach if he didn’t hold on to it. And the world was Misha right now. Just Misha.

Jensen pressed his whole body into Misha’s rubbing frantically against him. He was rock hard in his pants and he knew that it was the same for Misha. Jensen let out a sound that couldn’t quite decide if it was a whimper or a groan when their cocks bumped against each other. Misha’s breath was coming fast and shallow.

Jensen loved it. He loved that it was him who provoked this reaction. He loved that he finally had the guts to do this, even if it had needed getting drunk off his ass. Jensen pulled back and smiled down on Misha. It felt sappy even on his own lips.

Misha used this short moment to switch the situation around and burry Jensen under him. Misha sat on Jensen’s hips and let his hands run over his chest. When he grazed one of Jensen’s nipples, Jensen sucked in his breath audibly. The sensation shook Jensen’s whole body and his hips rocked up against Misha’s crotch. Jensen’s cry at the sensation was choked and strangled.

“Shhht” Misha soothed and let one hand travel down. “I’m gonna take care of you, alright?” Misha moved a bit and then his hands were on the waistband of Jensen’s boxers.

It wasn’t until the cold air of the room hit heated skin that Jensen realized Misha had pulled down his boxers. Misha’s own followed quickly. Hot, intense pleasure shot through Jensen’s body and he arched his back before he had even realized what had happened. Then Misha moved his hand and Jensen felt their dicks rubbing together, flesh on flesh.He had wrapped his fingers around both their lengths. 

“Jesus…oh…oh God, GOD.” The profanities tumbled over Jensen’s lips without him being able to keep them back or even think about how he was not supposed to use those words in a context like this.

Once Misha started moving for real Jensen came embarrassingly fast all over himself and Misha’s hand. Misha followed quickly after that. Then the just lay there and breathed, heavy and hot.

Misha kissed the tip of Jensen’s nose and Jensen bit his lip to hold back the grin. He started feeling sleepy pretty quickly and his mind drifted off into darkness. He faintly felt Misha pulling Jensen’s boxers up again and making a half-hearted attempt to wipe Jensen’s belly clean with some kind of fabric that had to be a piece of clothing but Jensen had no strength to think about it.

He fell asleep before Misha had completely settled down next to him.

 

Waking up the next morning was a fight. Coming to was even harder.

For a couple of minutes he just lay there in a haze, feeling sticky and awful while trying to figure out what the fuck had happened. The air smelled like cigarettes and beer and something musky that Jensen faintly recognized as the smell of sex.

He shot up and directly regretted it. His head felt like it had been split in half over the night and his stomach turned upside down. Jensen looked around to orientate himself and when his eyes fell onto the naked frame of Misha lying on his stomach and sleeping peacefully the need to puke doubled.

He stumbled out of the bed, noticed briefly that at least he was wearing his boxers. His skin hurt where the buttons of his shirt had pressed into it during the night but he didn’t care. There were more important things to do right now. Like emptying his stomach.

He vaguely recalled the position of the bathroom in Misha’s flat and when he stumbled out into the hallway he found it on his second try. The first door had led him to the living room. He almost fell down next to the toilet bowl, there was a sharp pain in his knees but he had no time to examine it because only split seconds later he was throwing up the content of his stomach.

Jensen’s hands clenched around the bowl, his throat burned but all that only registered secondarily because there was a much more pressing matter at hand. He had slept with Misha. He had gone home with him and had allowed Misha to come close. Hell, he had even been the one to start it. He had let Misha climb into bed with him and he had wanted it.

He had wanted it.

He had wanted it.

_He had fucking wanted it._

Even worse, he had enjoyed it.

Jensen choked but there was nothing more in his body to expel than utter disgust.

How could he have allowed this to happen? He was stronger than that. He was better than that. He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t. He could control these unnatural needs and lead a normal life. Except that he couldn’t. He had been weak. He only had himself to blame and this made it even worse. He had known that he was prone to Misha after that stupid kiss in Misha’s stupid kitchen. He should have had stopped right there. He should have told Misha he couldn’t come with. Certainly he shouldn’t have drunken as much as he had.

Suddenly there was another body beside him, warm and solid. Terrifying. “Jesus Christ, Jensen, are you okay?” Misha sounded alarmed, almost panicked and it was just in this moment that he realized he was shaking and shivering. And crying. There were actual tears and snot running down his face.

Jensen pulled away as Misha tried to lay a hand on his shoulder. He scrambled backwards. Misha threatened him with his mere presence. Or it felt that way. At least he was dressed. Jensen felt like a trapped animal and he reacted like one. “Don’t touch me ever again, you stupid faggot.”

A kick in the face couldn’t have been more effective. Misha was on his feet faster than should be possible in his state. Probably Jensen had just been way drunker than him yesterday.

“Misha…I…” He was shocked of his own words. Misha was his friend, right? He didn’t want to insult him. Not like this. There had to be a better way to describe what he was feeling right now. Jensen opened his mouth but nothing came out. He tried to catch his thoughts but all his head did was scream at him, like it was filled with a million exclamation points and no statement to support.

Aggression and frustration were the only things he had right now. He had to get out. He felt trapped and dirty and just utterly wrong.

Misha kept looking at Jensen without doing anything which only made him more furious.

“What are you looking at?” Jensen snapped.

“I just thought…nothing.”

“Yeah, exactly. There is nothing here to see. This is disgusting. What we did is disgusting.” Jensen looked up Misha’s face provokingly, which lost a bit of its effect since Jensen had to look up. He wanted Misha to get angry, he wanted him to shout and state that it had been a drunken mistake and that there was no way they would have ended up together had they been sober. But he didn’t. Instead he just looked sad, like a beaten puppy. Fuck. It hurt.

“Alright” Was his only reply for a long time.

Jensen stared at him, wondering if Misha had lost his fucking mind. This was definitely not the reaction he had wanted. “Get up, get dressed. If you want you can wash up first. I will be in the kitchen so you don’t have to see me again. You are free to go but if you walk out of this door now don’t think I will ever want you to come back.”

If anything he seemed defeated. Disappointed. Misha spun away and walked out of the room. Jensen turned back to the toilet bowl and threw up once again.

 

Jensen couldn’t remember when he had showered and gotten clothed that quickly the last time. All he knew was that he had to get out. He was through the door with still wet hair and his buttons done the wrong way.

At least Misha kept his promise to not get into Jensen’s way.


	6. Chapter 6

Jensen forced himself to work with all of the self control he had left. All he wanted was go home and hide in his bed and cry. A masochistic part of him even thought about crawling back to his parents, tell them what happened and receive the beating of a lifetime if his father was anything like the man he had been 10 years ago. He definitely deserved it.

He could tell how bad he looked by the fact that Chris didn’t even attempt to make a snarky comment. In fact, Chris didn’t even ask him if he was okay. He just handed him a stack of papers.

“This is all the information we have on Buckner so far. Samantha is currently glued to her laptop trying to hunt down his actual residence. As it turns out he has rented a couple of apartments over the last 2 months.”

Jensen just groaned and took the sheets from Chris’ hands. “Alright. I want a general meeting at 5 pm, we all need to be on the same level of information as much as possible from now on. I will go through all of this and see if there is anything else we need more information on.”

Kim chose that moment to walk by. She took one look at Jensen and her jaw dropped. “Jesus, boy. How much have you had yesterday?”

Jensen shrugged and tried to make it look casual. “Too much, I guess”

Jensen thanked God that Kim hadn’t been there yesterday. The last thing he needed right now was someone as brash as Kim making the right connections. He pressed the stack of paper to his chest and excused himself to his office.

Once the door shut close behind him he let out a deep breath. He just so managed to place the sheets in a neat stack on the desk before he fell down into his chair and the first tear started to roll. He didn’t even know why exactly he was crying. He felt dirty and worthless. His whole life had been about being in total control of his actions, his needs, the way he was perceived by other. Basically everything. Then Misha had come along and it had taken Jensen one drunken night to throw all of this away. The worst part was that he couldn’t even blame Misha, not really. Jensen was in the situation where he still remembered everything and he remembered how he had thrown himself onto Misha. He had outright told him that he wanted it. It hadn’t been a lie. Jensen had wanted it, he still wanted it. But there was a big difference between wanting something and acting on it. Jensen had learned and internalized this difference years ago.

This wasn’t Misha’s problem. It was Jensen’s. It hadn’t been his right to say these nasty things to Misha. It was his fault. Before he did anything else Jensen got up, left the office once again and walked to the men’s restroom to wash his hands. He ended up bent over the sink for 10 minutes.

 

The next time Jensen saw another human being was when Katie came rushing in into his office without as much as knocking on the door. She looked furious and concerned at the same time and before Jensen could ask her what was up she had already slammed a newspaper onto his desk.

Jensen took it and almost choked at the headline. ‘Local police takes on help of a psychic in recent murder-case’. Beneath it was a picture of him, Katie and Misha leaving the police station. He remembered the day because he remembered the sweater Misha had been wearing. It had been after a press release and they had been heading off to the nearest diner for lunch break.

Jensen skimmed the article and then looked up at Katie. Misha’s name was even written down in it. “Where did they get that information from?”

“I have got no clue” She said. “Maybe someone from the lower ranks let it spill. You know how persuasive journalists can be.”

“Yes, I know… but this is bullshit. This makes our investigation lose credibility.” And it might put people into danger but Jensen didn’t want to think about this now. Besides, Misha was probably safe. Buckner had only gone after blonde women which he obviously wasn’t. He couldn’t think about this, couldn’t allow his thoughts to go back to Misha.

As it turned out he hadn’t do so on his own. Katie just beat him right to it. “Talking about it…Misha called in sick today. You will only get second hand information here ‘cause I got this from Chris but as far as I have understood it, he said he will be out for at least a week. Probably caught the flue or something.”

“Yeah, probably” Jensen agreed although he knew the real reason.

However, he couldn’t really tell anyone around here. He didn’t want to, either. He’d rather shut down every single thought about the guy.

“Alright, back to the article” He said. “We might get lucky, this newspaper isn’t a popular one. Our case hasn’t been too popular in the media altogether.”

“Yes, we can only hope and take precautions that it doesn’t happen again.” Katie pulled a chair that leaned against the wall towards her and sat down across from Jensen at the desk. Then they spent the next hour working on a plan of actions.

 

It stayed quiet for almost two weeks. There were no more articles about Misha’s participation in the investigations. Probably because someone high in rank had connections to quite a few important people at various newspapers. Who it was was confidential. This meant Jensen had no clue who it was.

Part of the reason could also be that Misha hadn’t shown up again after…the incident. At first he had said he was sick and after a couple of days he had called again to tell them he couldn’t keep actively being a part of the team. He had called it ‘personal reasons’ but Jensen knew what was going on.

At first Jensen had welcomed it. After all there could only be advantages to not having to see the guy who was making him question everything about himself every day. And that was not even adding into the mix how they had slept with each other and how Jensen had called Misha a faggot afterwards. There was nothing that he regretted more. Jensen remembered how much this word had hurt out of his father’s mouth every damn time. He shouldn’t even consider using it and yet he did, over and over again.

The investigations had gone on like always. They had taken on the task of finding out in which of the rented flats Buckner was actually living. However, it took them forever to get any warrants and more than once they had been standing in front of closed doors they didn’t have the permission to kick in. At least they had been able to cross out one address from the list since a neighbour had told them she hadn’t seen anyone enter or leave the flat for over four months. It was little progress but at least it was any progress at all.

Misha’s absence didn’t even register to anyone with how busy they were. Except in the way Jensen began fighting for words again, struggling to get out right what he wanted to say. He was pretty sure no-one else noticed, though.

Jensen didn’t know how or why but somewhere along the road he had started to miss Misha. He missed slowly becoming accustomed to his incredibly strange sense of humor. He missed how Misha had been able to make everyone on the team laugh. He missed –and it almost scared him to admit it- the way they used to touch on all those unnecessary occasions. Jensen hadn’t even realized they had been doing it until it started missing in his everyday life. Faint brushes of fingers against the back of a hand or the subconscious bump of shoulders when they walked past each other. Jensen missed it. He missed it and it made him fucking miserable.

He didn’t talk to anyone more than he had to, not even one or two words. He kept himself locked away in his office as much as he could. He just had zero motivation for any kind of interaction.

Danneel dragged him out of his office one day, asked him if she would have to make her promise true and kill Misha. Jensen told her everything in a sudden rush of weakness. He felt better afterwards but the guilt and pain in his chest just got worse. He could only be thankful that Danneel was so understanding. Jensen had no clue how he had managed to even find his friends. In a state as conservative and uptight as Texas his friends were all very liberal. Also but not only in comparison to Jensen. Maybe it was the fact that they all lived in Dallas. Big cities were known to be more liberal after all.

Danneel kept checking on him after their talk. She always came in with coffee and food, sometimes salad, sometimes the sweetest and stickiest pastry she could find. Whatever it was, she always seemed to have a sixth sense for figuring out Jensen’s cravings. She had this talent to offer help without intruding or demanding too much from him. Despite his desire to just forget about everything concerning his personal life Jensen always enjoyed Danneel’s presence. “So you are sure you are alright?” She asked.

It was the second Thursday since Misha had left and she was sitting next to Jensen. Well, more precisely she was sitting on Jensen’s desk, her legs dangling between Jensen’s. She was gorgeous as always, her hair pinned back into a messy bun. Jensen rested his head on her thigh and sighed.

“I will be fine. Eventually.”

“You should talk to him, you know?”

“And then what? Apologize? Say everything is fine? Make up? I’m just going to hurt him again, Danni.”

Danneel brought her hands to the back of Jensen’s neck and started massaging his scalp. It soothed him almost immediately. Danneel didn’t say anything else, she just made sure Jensen got to relax a bit.

They stayed like this for half an hour, the silence between them stretched but it didn’t get uncomfortable or awkward. He loved her, he really did but more as a friend than anything else. They had established their boundaries enough to make this work and it worked perfectly.

Danneel pushed him away gently and slipped off of the desk. “Okay, Jen, I have to go back now. They don’t pay me for playing counselor for my ex-boyfriend. It’s unfortunate but that’s life, right? I’m sorry.”

Jensen stood up as well and laid a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m fine. I promise.”

He pulled Danneel close, brought his hands to her cheeks and kissed her on the lips. There was nothing sexual about it, just pure gratefulness. When they parted Danneel squeezed his bicep and Jensen at least felt like he had been able to express some of his feelings.

“Thank you” He said.

“If there is anything, you can always come to me” Danneel replied, gave him one last hug and a smile before she turned around and left.

 

Two days later, Jensen woke up from a nightmare at around 4 am. Once he was awake he couldn’t remember what it had been about but the cold fear was still stuck in his bones. He rubbed the palms over his face and realized he had been crying. He was still crying, in fact. He wiped his eyes and sank back down into the sheets. He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. Soon enough he realized it wasn’t going to happen. At least it was a Sunday.

Jensen got up and walked over to the bathroom. He took a shower until the steam made it hard to breathe. But even the hot water couldn’t wash away the nagging, ineffable feeling that had taken a hold of his chest.

The day refused to get any better and in the end he spent it watching crappy TV and drinking too much beer. It was a complete waste of free time but he couldn’t get himself to get up and actually do something. He was drained.

At the end of the day he just fell back into bed, tired and drunk.

 

Jensen was startled out of his dream by a distinctive ringing noise that he couldn’t identify. He just wanted to get back to sleep. Jensen groaned, put his pillow over his head and pressed the soft fabric against his ears to shut out the noise. It didn’t help though and with another groan Jensen pushed himself up and out of the bed. The room was still almost completely dark, save for the moon light shining through the window. It was almost full moon and the pale light painted bizarre shadows onto the walls. The sound couldn’t come from his alarm then. The ringing noise sounded again and finally Jensen realized where it came from. It was his phone. He stumbled over to his nighstand searching for it, his hands shaking. It was the middle of the night, there was no way this wasn’t important. Jensen was already afraid of the bad news. After accepting the call he pressed the phone to his ear. He hadn’t even checked the caller ID.

There was no time for Jensen to even say hello to the person on the other end as he was directly greeted by a frantic. “Oh God, please, pick up. For the love of God, pick up your phone, please.”

“Hello?” Jensen asked cautiously. He was pretty sure he knew that voice but as panicked as the guy sounded Jensen couldn’t be too sure.

“Jensen? Oh, thank God. I need your help. I…I think I am going to die”

Jensen was awake and sober within split seconds. “Misha?

 

Jensen was out of his apartment faster than he would have believed possible. He wasn’t even dressed completely. His belt was only half done and his shirt was buttoned he wrong way, some buttons left out completely.

He had just grabbed his gun and his police patch along with his keys when Misha had started telling him that he had had another vision.

This time it had been more serious, though. Jensen had never heard or seen Misha being that panicked and devastated. Misha had woken up in the middle of a dream from what could have just been a usual nightmare. But he had explained to Jensen how real it had all felt and how he could just feel it had been a vision.

Misha had told him as much as he could get out between hitched breaths including the next victim. Misha himself.

“Okay, stay calm, Misha” Jensen said, the phone still pressed to his ears while he was getting into the driver’s seat. He didn’t give a shit about not using your phone during driving. He was the fucking police and this was Misha’s life that was on stake. Misha was his responsibility and even if he weren’t he was still Jensen’s friend. “I just called the department, they will have someone at your house as soon as possible, just lock all your doors and windows and find somewhere safe to stay.”

“I…I think it’s too late, Jensen. I can already hear him outside.”

A cold rush of panic flooded Jensen’s system as he sped down the almost empty streets. “Dammit, Misha, just hide somewhere, grab a kitchen knife, I don’t know, ANYTHING.”

“Jensen” Misha’s voice was insisting now. Jensen felt like he was about to cry. “I’ve seen what is going to happen. He’s going to take me but he’s going to keep me alive at first. Can you record this call? Because I am going to tell you every detail I can remember, alright?”

“Misha, please, you have to…I don’t…”

“JENSEN” Jensen jumped. He was just lucky that there was practically no traffic on the streets as he involuntarily slammed the steering wheel. He swallowed and took deep breaths to calm himself down. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Alright…alright, alright.” Jensen muttered and pressed the shortcut for ‘record’ on his phone. He had known this function would come in handy one day. “I’m recording now.”

“Okay, listen. It was dark so I didn’t really see anything but it looked like an abandoned place. . Maybe an industrial hall or something. The walls were old, there were cracks in them and it smelt…wet. I am pretty sure I felt moss on them. You know that smell when you are in old cellars? It smelt like this.”

“That’s good. Anything more?”

“I…I can’t remember. And Jensen? I’ve got to go. You will find me, yes? Promise me that you will find me. I…I don’t want to die.” Misha’s voice cracked and his panicked sob broke Jensen’s heart.

“Misha…” He began but the line was already dead.


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen was hyperventilating when he arrived at the station. The young police officer who was working the night shift at the reception was definitely completely over-challenged with calming him down.

It was only good that Samantha arrived only minutes later. Jensen was close to completely breaking down and Samantha just grabbed him, propped him up against the wall and slapped him in the face without warning. Jensen was so perplex he forgot to breathe. He blinked at Samantha in surprise and just like that the panic was gone. Fear was still nagging at him but at least he didn’t feel like he was about to choke any second.

“Thanks” He muttered. Samantha waved it off.

“Okay, we need a plan of attack. You said you have a description of the place?”

“Yes, but only the stuff Misha told me.”

“Show it to me.” Jensen handed Samantha his phone with shaking hands. She took the phone with one hand and wrapped the fingers of the other around Jensen’s.

“I recorded it.”

Samantha found the file quick enough and listened to it. Hearing Misha’s panicked voice sent shivers down Jensen’s spine. Guilt cut into him like daggers. He should have been with Misha. He should have taken the possible threat more serious when he had seen it. He should have protected him. He should have tried to get back into contact with him. The idea of Misha thinking Jensen wouldn’t search for him like a maniac because he hated him left Jensen freezing cold. He couldn’t stand imagining Misha, all alone and scared for his life in the hands of a psychopathic serial killer.

There were so many things unsaid, so many things undone. Maybe it was just a bunch of selfish reasons but Jensen couldn’t let Misha die without him knowing all of these things. Without him knowing what Jensen really felt. He couldn’t let Misha die. Period. Jensen usually wasn’t a person to judge who had more of a right to live than others but if there was one person he would put in front of everyone else, he had to say it would be Misha.

Jensen didn’t understand when it had happened or how it had happened and when his fight against his own needs had faded away to make way for defeated acceptance. All he knew was that he couldn’t let Misha down. Not again. He had to find him. He had to save him.

“Jensen” Samantha pulled him out of his trance. “Look, what Misha told you is actually a very good hint. You remember the research I ran on all the properties Buckner had rented? He rented a small house with a basement around 2 weeks ago. A holiday home. It is the only property with its own basement. It is our only shot right now but I would say it is pretty clear that it’s the right one.”

Jensen blinked at her, at first not really understanding what she was saying. Then it clicked. “Oh my God.”

“Exactly. Look, Chris will be here soon and they called in Jared for psychological support as well because Misha knows him and we all know he will probably be traumatized after this experience.”

“We will get him out, right?”

“Yes.”

A little spark of hope lit up in Jensen’s chest. As long as Samantha still had hope everything would be okay. As long as she still had a reason and the spirit to fight things were running. She had already taken the reigns from him just like that and Jensen let it happen.

“You actually shouldn’t even be here. When he abducted Misha he made it personal for you. And don’t you even try to deny it, I’m not blind.”

“Does everyone know?”

“No, I guess some of them suspect something but no-one really has a confirmation, right? I mean, I actually wasn’t 100% sure about it until right now.”

“Good… no, what am I talking about? It doesn’t matter. We need to get Misha now. And Sam, I am coming, I can’t sit here and wait for news.”

“I know, Jensen, I know” Samantha said and put a hand on his shoulder to calm him again. “A SWAT-team is on its way. They will be here to pick us all up. Well, you guys anyways. I’ll stay here and deal with the organization and the paperwork.”

“What would I do without you?” Jensen asked with a sigh.

“Don’t even go there, I am just doing my job. Now hurry up and get the bullet proof vests out of the storage. You will probably need them.”

 

Half an hour later Jensen was scrammed into one of the SWAT vans with 5 men dressed in full black bullet proof gear. Some of them he knew from previous operations, other faces were completely new to him. The air was buzzing with tension and Jensen had the impression he could almost smell the adrenaline. Maybe it was just his own sweat, though. They were all quiet until the van stopped and the doors were opened. Then the whispering started.

“Okay, go, go.” Jensen waved the SWAT-team out of the van after he had jumped out. “You will go in carefully. There is an innocent man trapped in there who needs to be brought out alive if in any way possible.”

Jensen looked at the holiday home. It was bigger than expected, a two story building. But with the ten SWAT-officers and Chris they should be enough to scan the whole house.

“Okay, you all know the plan of action. Now go.”

They swarmed out inside of the house once they had forced the door open.

Jensen took three of the SWAT-officers down into the basement. The basement turned out to be a labyrinth. Or at least it seemed like that. Maybe Jensen was just panicking. The darkness made them all wait for a couple of seconds until they’re eyes had adjusted. They decided to split up and search the different corridors.

Jensen slowly made his way with his gun at the ready. It felt like half an eternity for Jensen. Every second was drawn into infinity and with every small room and coop he looked into and didn’t find anything, his heart began to race quicker. The only thing keeping him from panicking was the fact that he had actually something to do. Something that would directly lead to a solution. He was here to save Misha’s life. Nothing was going to hinder him now.

Jensen felt the whimper in his bones more than he heard it. It went right under his skin and it didn’t take him a split second to know what it meant. He had almost located the source of the sound when he heard another whimper, louder this time. Jensen couldn’t make out any words but he knew it was Misha pleading.

He had kicked in the door before his consciousness had caught up with his brain making the decision. He took in the room with one quick glance. It was dark but his eyes were already accustomed to it. Misha’s hands were bound with something that looked suspiciously like a belt. His arms were raised high in the air and Jensen distantly made out a huge rusty hook sticking out of the wall that his bound wrists were secured on. Buckner was standing in front of him, just a shadow against the wall. Something bright flashed and Jensen was convinced he made out a knife in his hand.

“Step away from him, NOW.” Jensen demanded loudly and pointed his gun at the serial killer.

Buckner turned halfway around. “And if I don’t? What if I just turn back and stab him. You know, you should be more careful with what you let the journalist write down. They even provided me with his name. It wasn’t too hard to find him.”

Jensen was trembling. Then he drew in a sharp breath and told himself to calm down. He needed a secure stance in case he would have to use his weapon.

“I knew he would one day be able to tell you who I am so I had to get him out of the way. It is a shame you found me anyways” His voice had changed to some kind of sing-song. It took Jensen a second to realize the guy had gone completely mad. Jensen didn’t care why. Buckner was way too calm and it put Jensen even more in unease than he already was.

“Say…Officer Ackles. Have you ever killed a person? Have you ever felt the rush of taking someone’s life, knowing that only you are in charge of the situation? It makes you feel incredibly powerful. You should try it.” Then Buckner just turned around again. He looked down at Misha, threatening and dark. Jensen could see Misha’s eyes go wide.

Misha let out a sob and the completely panicked expression on his face was enough for Jensen to act right this second. Jensen stared at him looming over Misha’s body and his mind drew blank. Then he took a couple of quick steps to the side.

It was the perfect angle. Jensen was positioned just right to not be afraid of accidentally hurting Misha in the process. Then he pulled the trigger right in the moment in which Buckner raised the hand he held the knife in. The first bullet went right through Buckner’s shoulder and the knife clattered to the ground. It wasn’t one of Jensen’s best shots but enough to yank him around. Jensen shot again. And again. And again.

He shot until there were no bullets left. The last one went right through Buckner’s heart. His body stumbled a few feet and then broke down. Jensen didn’t have to go and check his pulse to know he was dead.

Jensen just stood there for a few seconds staring at what he had done. Then the gun fell out of his hands.

Jensen was on his knees in front of Misha faster than he could process himself. His whole body was shaking and the adrenaline rushing through his veins made him hear his own blood flow. It took him three attempts to pull the leather through the belt buckle. The leather was soft and used. At least this explained how Buckner had managed to effectively tie up Misha’s hands with it. Not that that was really important anyways. Misha was safe, that was all that mattered. Jensen was talking before he even realized it.

“You are alright now, Mish. You are alright, I got you. Oh God, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Once he had freed Misha from his restraints he grabbed his hands. Misha was shaking even worse and there was a panicked expression in his eyes despite the fact that the threat was gone. Jensen leaned in and pressed their foreheads together.

“I am sorry” He said again.

“Sorry for what?” Misha asked weakly, his voice rough and overused.

“For everything” Jensen blurted out. “I thought I would lose you and I realized…God, I was so stupid. I should have never pushed you away. I was too fucking scared to see that the best thing that could ever happen to me was right there in front of my eyes the entire time and…and I love you, Misha, I love you.”

Misha’s hand tensed to fists in Jensen’s vest. He hooked his fingers into the collar and pulled Jensen to him. Jensen gasped. Then Misha kissed him. It felt wrong to be doing this right now, so early after Jensen had just saved Misha from certain death. But he couldn’t get himself to stop. He tasted salt on Misha’s lips and knew he wouldn’t stop kissing him until he had kissed away every last dried out tear.

This was how Chris found them. Well, Chris and 6 members of the SWAT-team. They had probably heard the gun shots and had hurried up to get here. No-one of them said a word. They all just stood there and stared, probably in shock. Police officers usually didn’t just go around and kissed other guys. Especially not in Texas.

Chris cleared his throat awkwardly and Jensen jumped. He was on his feet faster than he could blink.

Before he could say or do anything, Misha started sobbing. Jensen turned towards him and leaned down. “Hey, do you think you can stand? Let me help you up.”

Misha reached up for him and Jensen gripped his biceps. When Misha was standing Chris was already halfway through calling in for Jared and the paramedics. Once he was done Chris looked at everyone in the room. “Okay, what happened here stays amongst us for now. I don’t want any of you talking about this.”

They all mumbled something confirmative although Jensen could see that at least two of them looked like they were about to throw up. It was the first time in such a situation that he thought they should just get over themselves.

So they all just stood there and waited, Jensen and Misha were holding on to each other for dear life. Jensen stroked Misha’s hair and whispered nonsense into his ear to keep Misha and himself from going into shock.

Jensen could feel his surroundings fade away, though. There was only him and Misha and the task of holding on. Holding on and never letting go again. Misha’s heart beat was so quick Jensen could sense it against his own chest.

Misha was alive. He was alive and everything was going to be okay. Jensen had managed to save him. Nothing else was important now.

Jensen was shaking and he had no clue how much time had passed until he properly came to again. He was in an ambulance, there was bright light everywhere and a paramedic was next to him, feeling his pulse. Jensen blinked at him and the guy smiled. He was young, maybe 23 or 24.

“Hello back” The paramedic said quietly. “I tried to talk to you for ten minutes, I was actually worried.”

“I’m fine” Jensen insisted and only then realized he was wearing a shock blanket. He wrapped it closer around him.

“What about Misha? Where is he?”

“You mean the man you rescued? He is in the other ambulance vehicle with Mr Padalecki. He will be fine. He isn’t severely physically injured but he will have to stay in hospital for a couple of days. The doctors will want to observe him, make sure the trauma he has gone through isn’t going to affect him physically.”

Jensen nodded and ran a hand through his hair. “Can I see him?”

“When you arrive at the hospital and he is through with the first examination, yes. And you should get yourself checked, too.”

“I’m fine, I’ve had worse.”

“From what your colleagues told me you just shot someone. You should get yourself checked. At least because of your shock.” Jensen cringed. “I’m not in shock.” “You were 3 minutes ago.”

“I just want to see Misha” Jensen muttered, pulling the shock blanked tight around him. He felt like he was freezing. The paramedic offered him a cup of tea with a compassionate smile.

“You should drink this. And I’m Matt, by the way.”

“Jensen.”

The doctors ended up keeping Misha in for over a week. Jensen had been allowed to leave after a first examination but only under the condition that he was going to get professional support from a psychotherapist. Jensen figured he would do this anyways. He still had the feeling there was blood on his hands he couldn’t wash off.

He spent almost all his time with Misha. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they shared fleeting kisses and sometimes they just sat together, fingers intertwined. One time Jensen fell asleep halfway draped over Misha’s hospital bed and the nurse send him home to catch some proper sleep. From then on he made sure to keep his hospital visits down. Misha was getting better every day, anyways. There was nothing he really had to worry about.

“I am thinking about leaving this town” Jensen told Misha during one of his visits. “Maybe even leave the state altogether.”

Misha just looked at him and squeezed his hands.

“Are you saying goodbye to me?” Misha asked cautiously. “Because if you are, you need to know that I understand it…and that I love you, too.”

Jensen was silent for a couple of seconds before he shook his head. The words were over his lips before he had really thought them through. He still meant them, though. “I was actually going to ask you if you want to leave with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I rushed through this chapter a lot but the deadline was kicking my ass. I hope it is still acceptable.


	8. Chapter 8

Jensen took his leave the next day.

It was a sunny day, full of light and laughter. He took it as a positive sign. His chest was still tight with nervousness and anxiety but the cloudless sky had improved his mood and chased away his crankiness. It was good. It meant he at least had enough energy to do the task at his hands right.

Right now only the people who had seen him and Misha kiss knew that there was something serious going on but Jensen knew that it wouldn’t be too long until his superiors would find out about it. Jensen would rather avoid the fall out that would inevitably happen.

Besides that Jensen didn’t want to hide it away. He had promised Misha to be better this time and being open about his sexuality was the first step in this direction. He would rather lose his job than lose Misha again. It had hurt enough the first time. If he wanted to have a real chance he had to leave behind the things that pulled him down. He had realized this.

It had taken him being faced with Misha’s possible death to realize it but he was there now.

At least this was the main reason. What he told his superiors was something else but that didn’t mean it was less true.

He told them that he could never see himself pick up a gun ever again. He told them that he wasn’t sure if he was able to walk back into the police department every day and not be constantly reminded of that one time that changed his life forever. The time he had shot a man without giving it a second thought. It didn’t matter that Buckner had been about to kill Misha or that he had been an overall bad human being. Something had snapped in Jensen the moment he had pulled the trigger and he wasn’t sure if he would ever find the strength to tie the loose ends back together.

He told them he would be getting therapy, leave the city for a while. Start over.

 

Jared and Chris were at Jensen’s side the moment he left the office after signing the necessary paperwork. Jared wrapped an arm around Jensen’s shoulder and pressed him against his chest.

“I’m going to miss you, man” He said and Jensen could feel himself tear up a little.

“Hey, I’m not cutting ties with any of you and you know that. I just need to take a step away from this and…Jared, you were the one who told me to get my shit together and figure stuff with Misha out. I am doing this now.”

Chris laughed. “See, Jared, our boy is growing up.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, Jensen, nothing. We’re just both glad you finally stepped out of the closet.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“Yes” Chris grinned. “That’s my middle name.”

 

Two days later Misha and Jensen sat across each other at Misha’s kitchen table. Jensen wore Misha’s ACDC t-shirt that he had kind of fallen in love with. Misha’s plain white button down was only done half the way up.

They had spent the night just cuddling in Misha’s bed. It had already felt like more than Jensen was able to bear at the beginning but then everything had turned out fine. Jensen’s skin still prickled at the spots where he knew Misha had sucked love bites into it last night. He felt genuinely happy.

In front of them on the wooden surface maps and pictures and postcards were sprawled out. There were notepads and pens and markers and Misha had spent the last couple of hours printing out important information about every state in the US.

Misha’s bare foot bumped against Jensen’s ankle and Jensen looked up from where he was reading through the gay marriage laws of Louisiana. Misha was holding up a postcard that showed the typical white row houses of San Francisco.

“California? Really?” Jensen asked. “Don’t you think that’s a bit far away?”

Misha didn’t answer. Instead Jensen could feel how his foot slowly traveled up Jensen’s calf. Jensen shivered.

“If you think this will convince me then you are wrong.”

Misha chuckled. “No, I have other convincing arguments, Jen.” Misha’s toes curled up against the inside of Jensen’s knee. Jensen had never thought this could actually feel as good as it did. He looked at Misha uncertainly at first but then he swallowed down hid doubts and spread his legs a bit.

“For one” Misha continued. “California is one of the most open states when it comes to homosexuality so we shouldn’t have too many problems with finding work and being out and proud at the same time.” He made a short process out of running his foot along Jensen’s thigh and pressing it against Jensen’s cock through the rough denim. It was just then that Jensen realized he was already half hard.

“Furthermore I have a friend who owns an apartment in Potrero Hill that he doesn’t use because he is taking some out time and lives outside of the city. We could live there for a couple of weeks and then start apartment and job hunt from there. He already offered me to live there a couple of weeks ago.” Misha started to make rubbing movements with his foot.

Jensen gasped. He tried to stay cool but the sensation was too intense. He was riding high on adrenalin and dopamine as it was, just by looking at Misha. The smallest touch set his body on fire. Sparkles of pleasure shot up his spine as Misha’s heel grazed his balls. In this moment his whole universe centered in around the contact between them. It was stupid really and despite how aroused Jensen was not even sexual. He just looked up and into Misha’s smug face and he knew he was where he belonged.

“So what?” He asked, his voice wavering around the edges as he tried to control himself. “You get an offer for a place to stay and you pack your stuff and leave? Is that how you do it? Because I want to come with you, I really do but I don’t think I can live a life like this.”

“No” Misha said, his toes playing with Jensen’s fly. It was getting more difficult to concentrate for Jensen in any second that passed. “I might or might not already have a job offer.”

“How did you even manage that? Or are you kidding me?”

“I’m not kidding you” The pressure against Jensen’s cock decreased as Misha shifted his weight. Jensen reached down to bring Misha’s foot back against his crotch. The return of the friction was much needed.

He closed his eyes and moaned softly. Misha chuckled lightly and then started to grind the heel of his foot against Jensen for real. Jensen almost forgot how to breathe. Both his hands were squeezed tight around the edge of the table, his feet solid on the ground. He was trying to find some leverage to roll his hips against Misha’s small massaging movements but all he managed were half-hearted, frantic shoves.

His mind was helpfully blank and there was nothing but pleasure and sensation rippling through his body. His breath was shallow and his cheeks flushed. The way he sat there with widely spread legs rubbing up against the contact felt obscene. And he didn’t care. All he cared about was that it felt good. Jensen threw his head back and just lost himself in the way his balls pulled tight with the need to come.

“Mish…I’m gonna…” He pressed out through gritted teeth and earned a chuckle from the other man.

“Yeah, that was the plan. Just let go.” A few more shoves, so rough they had him riding between pleasure and pain and Jensen creamed his boxers with his come. He just opened his mouth without a sound and then slumped forward in his chair. He let his head fall onto the cool surface of the table. Laughter erupted from his chest and Misha leaned over to run a hand through Jensen’s hair.

“Thank you” Misha said and Jensen raised his head to meet his eyes, confused.

“Thank me for what?”

"For letting me touch you like this again.”

“Misha…” “I mean it.”

“No” Jensen protested and sat up straight again. “I was the biggest asshole in this universe and I still can’t forgive myself for it. Don’t thank me for this. God, I don’t even know if I can do this all the way. I know you want to try and I want to try, too. But please, don’t thank me before I am certain.”

It was strange how easy voicing his feelings had become basically over night.

“Okay.” Misha nodded and took Jensen’s hand. “But let us not talk about mistakes we made, alright? You said you wanted to start over. Let’s concentrate on doing that.”

Jensen smiled thankfully and closed his eyes again. “So…California it is, then. But only if you tell me how you managed to get a job that quickly. But before that…I need to get cleaned up.”

 

Jensen showered quickly and then put on some clothes that Misha had picked out for him. When he walked out of the bathroom in sweatpants, a too big grey v-neck shirt and wet hair Misha just stared at him.

“Oh, come on, Misha. I am not looking that hot right now. In fact, I look ridiculous.”

“First of all: You are still pretty hot and second… I just never thought I would be able to see you like this, you know? And before I get sappy I made us coffee and there are still some cookies in the fridge. So I suggest we cuddle on the couch, I tell you what you want to know and then we watch a movie.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Jensen followed Misha into the kitchen and received his cup. The actions seemed familiar but completely new at the same time. He felt like a new person altogether although he knew he hadn’t actually changed that much. He had just started to accept something about him that he had pushed down for over 15 years of his life. It would probably still take him some time to accept this part of him as something normal and completely natural but he knew Misha was here to help him with it.

Misha grabbed the plate with the cookies out of the fridge, grabbed his coffee and then bumped his hip into Jensen’s on the way to get him moving. Jensen laughed and followed him.

They snuggled up on the couch, Jensen placed comfortably in the wide V of Misha’s legs. Jensen leaned his back against Misha’s chest and balanced the cookie plate on his own knees.

Jensen was all relaxed and loose limbed in Misha’s arms. If he had to describe the sensation he would say it was strange. Good, yes, but still strange, like he was dreaming and half seeing himself from the outside half experiencing the situation from his own point of view. He wondered briefly what his father would think if he could see him now. He probably would be devastated.

Good.

If his last act of rebellion before leaving this city now and for probably forever was going to be enjoying the presence of the most amazing human being he had ever met, then so be it.

Jensen turned around to press a kiss to the corner of Misha’s mouth and almost knocked the cup of coffee out of Misha’s hand in the progress.

“Easy there, tiger” Misha laughed. Jensen shrugged and turned back around. He picked a cookie and took a first bite. They were perfect. They tasted like banana and cinnamon and the white chocolate chips melted in Jensen’s mouth. He moaned appreciatively. Misha huffed behind him.

“Well now, if a cookie can get this reaction but me rubbing you to orgasm can’t then I think I have to work on my technique.”

Jensen directly felt a pang of guilt. “That’s…sorry.”

“Jensen, I was kidding.”

“Oh”

Misha brought his free hand up to the back of Jensen’s neck and squeezed lightly. Then he started to rub gentle circles into Jensen’s skin. “Relax. I will never ever be angry with you because of anything related to sexual acts. This is a promise. I know being with me like this is hard for you and it takes a lot. We will take tiny little steps. And if you never get to completely open up to me, I don’t care. At least we tried.”

Jensen closed his eyes. His chest hurt with emotions he could neither grasp nor put into words. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

“You’re too good for me” Was what he said instead. Misha replied with a strangled noise that sounded like a hiccup. Jensen guessed he tried to keep in another sassy comment.

They sat like this for a while, drinking coffee and sharing cookies. In the end Jensen just kept breaking off little pieces of the cookies and feeding them to Misha over his shoulder. At one point Misha just rested his chin on Jensen’s shoulder. At least Misha had shaved this morning so his beard stubble didn’t tickle the sensitive skin right underneath Jensen’s ear. Misha had both his arms in front of Jensen’s chest, holding his coffee and he hummed in contentment.

“This could be every day for all that I care.” He said.

“Only if you start telling me how on earth you found a job that quickly. While in hospital, nevertheless.”

“I didn’t” Misha admitted. Then he placed his free hand on Jensen’s stomach. “After our…fight… I started looking into opportunities to move away. I’ve lived here for a couple of years now and Texas is not really the state of my dreams. I have partly stayed because of the kids I teach, partly because it was convenient. The payment was okay and I didn’t want to move that quickly after just feeling like I arrived somewhere.”

Jensen moved his hand to Misha’s and threaded their fingers together.

“Then I met you and I don’t even know what it was about you but I directly liked you. Even though you treated me like shit. I guess I saw behind your walls right then. So I tried to get close to you. I wanted to make you trust me so that I could help you and I thought we were on the way to make it better. I always imagined asking you out on a date but figured you had more important things to deal with. So I waited.”

Jensen felt his chest grow tight and he swallowed down the tears. He wasn’t crying, not really. At least he wasn’t sad. There were just a bunch of emotions fighting for dominance in him right now.

“The night we spent together was a mistake. I never meant for this to happen. Not this way. Afterwards I thought I had destroyed everything I had built up so slowly. You never called and I didn’t dare to because I figured you wanted to be alone.”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s alright”

“No it’s not. I called you a faggot. How can you say it’s okay?”

Misha took a deep breath. Jensen felt it move his own body as well. “Jensen…I am not going to say it didn’t hurt me but it was pretty clear you were so deep in the closet you didn’t even realize it yourself. And I talked to Danneel…”

“What? When?”

“She came to visit me while I was in the hospital. Said she figured if you weren’t going to tell me anything she would have to do it.”

Jensen just sighed and then started to chuckle.

“What is so funny?” Misha demanded to know.

“Nothing, I just…I should have known. God, Danneel…”

“You really like her, don’t you?” “Of course I do” Jensen said. “We were together for four years and the only reason we split up is that our ideas of a fulfilled sex life weren’t the same and it wore us both down. I love her. I am just not attracted to her.”

“But you’re attracted to me?” Misha sounded almost worried. Jensen brought their intertwined hands to his lips and kissed Misha’s knuckles.

“Very much so.”

“That’s good. We can work with that”

Jensen turned around in Misha’s arm, knocking over the now empty plate on his knees in the movement. The way they kissed was sweet and slow. No more desperation. They had all the time they wanted now.

 

After that things just started to flow. Jared called a couple of his friends who helped Jensen to pack all his belongings and get the furniture ready for the moving van. It felt strange. He had lived in this apartment for seven years now and seeing it emptying more and more made Jensen feel naked. He felt like his walls were being broken down and the only thing that was left in the end were his own insecurities.

Jensen was well aware that he wasn’t doing the most intelligent thing. He was going to move to a foreign state with a man he had been together with for a week. He didn’t have any ground to stand on on his own. However, thinking about it didn’t fill him with fear. It filled him with a thrill that made him happy. He had no clue why but he seemed to have gone through a huge change of character. So huge, in fact, that even he could sense it. He used to be afraid of uncertainty, now he seemed to get a kick out of it.

Saying goodbye to his friends was hard but what was even harder was facing his family.

He had called his parents and had told them he had big and important news for them. They had asked him to come for dinner but Jensen had declined. He had said it was probably better if they just met for some coffee. He wasn’t sure if he would have been able to go through with it, hadn’t Misha offered to come with. His looming presence behind him was like a power of strength.

His parents didn’t look too happy when he arrived at their house with an unannounced companion. Jensen assured them they wouldn’t stay long. It turned out to be true. Jensen rushed through the speech he had practically learned by heart, explaining his parents (or rather, just spitting the fact into their faces) that he was gay and that he no longer wished to have contact with them, especially not with his father. He introduced Misha as his boyfriend and made clear that he was leaving the state.

After he finished, his mind was blank. He was breathing hard and looked at his father. The hate and disgust he was met with almost made him back down. Jensen felt like he was starring down the barrel of a gun and he was sure that Alan would have thrown a punch if Misha hadn’t been there with them. Misha put a hand on the small of Jensen’s back.

Donna looked like he was about to cry. She stood a bit in the background with her hands pressed to her mouth and shocked eyes, shaking her head. “You’re out of your mind, Jensen. You can’t mean this.” She finally choked out. “Please, Jensen, we can fix this. It’s alright, honey. I know we neglected you all your life. That’s it, isn’t it? I am so sorry you were born as a middle child, we…”

“Mom, stop” Jensen interrupted. “I’m gay. There is nothing you can do about it and even if you could…I wouldn’t want you to. I am happy now. You can blame yourself all you want, it won’t make me stop. I realized one of the main reasons I have always denied this part of me is you two. I am leaving. Don’t hold me back.”

Jensen turned around, grabbed Misha’s wrist and left the house again. They were already 5 blocks away when Jensen stopped walking and dragging Misha behind him. He turned around, let out a deep breath and then he just cried. The tears came without his permission and he couldn’t hold them back. He was scared and sad and heart broken in this moment. Then Misha opened his arms and Jensen thankfully accepted the invitation for a long, tight embrace.

They stood like this until Jensen’s tears had stopped and in this moment he knew that everything would turn out to be alright.

 

They headed off to California a week later.


	9. Epilogue

Jensen stood in front of the panorama window that was taking the whole space of one of the walls in their bedroom. He loved the view. It wasn’t something directly special, but looking out onto Lincoln Park in the morning had something unexplainably peaceful. Maybe it was that even after weeks of being here Jensen was still thankful every day that he had escaped all the things that had held him back.

He hadn’t even realized exactly how much he had limited himself back in Dallas until he had moved away. It was freeing to just reach for Misha’s hand in public without having to fear losing his job over it or getting beaten up in an alleyway.

He still didn’t kiss Misha outside of the safety of their home, though. Jensen didn’t even know the exact reason but he could never get himself to do it. It felt like too much of a commitment, although he was sure about his feelings for Misha. On other days he felt like he didn’t deserve to show openly how happy he was after all the crap he had pulled.

He sighed and watched the woman living next door leave the house with her dog on a leash. There was movement behind him and he heard the bed squeaking lightly.

“Jenseeeen” Misha complained and Jensen could hear him fighting to get out of the tangled mess of sheets. His voice was temptingly husky with sleep, seducing Jensen to just crawl back into bed. He couldn’t, though.

Maybe it was Saturday but he had a lot of organization work to do. After they had moved to San Francisco Jensen had quickly realized that he would never return to working with the police. He didn’t have any desire to do so either. S

o he had rented a small empty shop a couple of blocks away and was planning on opening a little second hand book store. Nothing special, but a place for people to hide from the stressors and responsibilities of the real world. Jensen knew people would need it.

Misha had started working again 2 weeks after they had moved into their new apartment in the Richmond District. This equaled a bit more than a month since they had moved to San Francisco in the first place. If there was one sign for Jensen that the universe wanted him to be happy and even more importantly happy with Misha it was how easy everything had been since they had gotten here.

Of course he wasn’t as naïve to think that their life would be completely careless forever but they had had the best start anyone could wish for. They both were still woken up by nightmares some nights but they had both signed up for therapy and Jensen could tell that Misha was making great progress. He still didn’t go out alone after night fall and maybe Jensen was a bit too over-protective over his boyfriend but they were going to get there.

The best sign was that Jensen was finally getting comfortable with seriously introducing Misha as his boyfriend. What they had was still fragile but it was working.

Misha had made friends ridiculously quick while Jensen liked to stay in the background for now. The only one Jensen had really created a connection to up until now was Chad, who actually was a friend of Jared from his High School time.

He was loud and brash and back in Dallas Jensen would probably not have given him a chance. But here he felt free and liberated, more willing to step over his own boundaries. In the end they had bonded over Chad telling him embarrassing High School stories of Jared while they had shared a couple of beers.

“Jensen, come on, come back to bed!?” Misha’s offer sounded tempting but no. He still didn’t have the time. “No I won’t. Now come on, you have assignments to grade, anyways. How about you promise me to get up and I will go and prepare coffee and pancakes for us?”

“Only if I get to suck you off in the shower later”

“Who am I to say no to that?” Jensen grinned and left the bedroom.

 

After all their daily duties were done and an hour after Misha had in fact given Jensen the best blow job of his life under the streaming water of their shower Jensen had trapped Misha under him and pinned him to the bed. Their clothes were long forgotten on the floor again.

They shared heated, desperate kisses and Jensen felt every spot where Misha’s fingers had already clawed into his flesh. They were currently digging into Jensen’s biceps, pressure increasing and decreasing again while Jensen thrust in and out of his lover’s body.

Misha’s eyes were closed, his mouth open and God, the noises he made. He moaned, whimpered and made these small high-pitched hitching noises in the back of his throat that only motivated Jensen to go faster, harder.

When they had started this Jensen had been extremely careful with Misha. After all he had had no former experience and he hadn’t wanted to accidentally hurt him. Over the weeks of gaining some practice he had grown bolder, however, and even though he still hadn’t completely discovered all of Misha’s sensitive spots he already knew quite well how to take him apart.

Misha clenched around him and Jensen, who usually preferred to stay as quiet as possible during sex, groaned loudly and buried his face in the crook of Misha’s neck. Jensen panted harshly and Misha chuckled.

“God…Jen… you’re incredible, you know that?”

“You’ve told me once or twice” Jensen replied breathlessly before thrusting into Misha again.

After that, there wasn’t a lot of speaking involved anymore. Their hands were moving everywhere over their bodies, limbs rubbing and pressing against each other. Jensen grabbed one of Misha’s hands and pressed it against the headrest. Their fingers intertwined on their own accord and Jensen forced his eyes open to look into Misha’s.

They rested their foreheads against each other’s and Jensen slowed down his movements for the sake of indulging in the moment.

Jensen kissed Misha and forced his lips open with his tongue. Jensen knew exactly that Misha was only holding against it because he liked the idea of being conquered by Jensen and he knew this so well because Misha had explained it to him after he had stopped kissing him the first time it had happened. Now he just went with it and what could he say? He enjoyed the hell out of it, too.

It made his thrusts speed up again. Jensen could feel Misha’s hard cock trapped between their bodies and he pulled back. He shifted his weight back on his knees and put his hands on Misha’s hips. Then he pulled him back onto his own dick. Misha gasped and started thrusting movements of his own. Jensen let him for a couple of second. He just threw his head back and lost himself in lust and pleasure.

Then Jensen gripped tight, holding Misha in place as he started fucking him in earnest with hard, deep thrusts that jolted the bed. He allowed Misha to move more freely again when he wrapped one hand around Misha’s cock and started stroking. Misha became undone underneath him, a moaning mess and it was so, so beautiful. He forgot everything around them. It was just them and the way their bodies connected, moved like one in the sheets of their bed.

When Misha came he tightened up around Jensen and it took him only a couple more thrusts until his orgasm rolled over him like a wave.

They breathed together until they came down from the high. Then they just lay there. Jensen laughed happily as he rolled off of Misha. He got rid of the condom and threw it into the bin that they kept standing next to the bed just for that reason. There was no denying it, the two of them just couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

He pulled Misha close and Misha wrapped his arms around him. Jensen could feel Misha’s hands roam all over his back. Misha got a good hand full of Jensen’s ass and squeezed. Jensen moaned and shuffled closer.

But when Misha carefully and slowly slipped a finger between his ass cheeks Jensen tensed up. Misha retreated directly and soothed the uncomfortable expression on Jensen’s face with a kiss to his forehead. Jensen buried his face in Misha’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry” He breathed out, voice still shaky from his orgasm. “I…I trust you but I don’t think I am ready, yet.”

Misha brought his other hand to Jensen’s hair and stroked the back of his neck. He smiled, understanding.

„It’s alright Jensen, I know we will get there.“

Jensen sighed and relaxed into Misha’s warm embrace.

“Yes. Yes, we will.”


End file.
